Isaac's Adoption DayFirst, you will want to read Part 1.
I have a disclaimer that I want to start out by addressing. For us, adopting transracially was not something we set out to do. We opened our home to any child God had for us. And, thankful as we are, this happened to be what His plan was for our family. I have talked to other white parents raising African American children and what we all have in common is having to face the fact that even though there is a whole group of people who are against Transracial adoption, there is a whole other group who see it as almost "trendy" and "hip". Not sure if certain celebrities have been the cause of this, but I will say this is something I find myself uncomfortable with. Ya'll remember when toy breed puppies that you could carry in a handbag became really popular and everyone rushed out to get one. Well, children are not a breed of dog- and they are not a possession to covet. If I had a dollar for every time I have had someone say to me "I've always wanted to have a black baby!" I would have enough money to pay for our next adoption. Seriously. All I have to say about this is please, please check your motives in this. Adoption is not a trend, it is a way that God builds families, just like birth. And our choice to be a Transracial family was not a political statement we were trying to make of racial unity or a "novelty". This is our child.
There are LOTS of children that need forever homes, all I am stating is why should race be a factor at all?
So now that I have cleared the air with that!
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I really believe that the challenges of adopting transracially have a lot more to do with society's views on it- then the actual effect it will have on the child. Caucasian people often have the belief that African American people make too much out of racism. That they often "look" for racism around every corner. I challenge this viewpoint with the fact that as white people living in America, we have NO idea what racism feels like or looks like, except from an outsider looking in. We can read accounts of it, hear about racist acts on the news and in history books- but to live it, is a whole other world.
Adoptive Families magazine did an article on "Facing Prejudice" in their Nov. 1994 issue. In that article, it states that most white parents wait until the first injury occurs before talking with their child about racism, but that most African-American families, along with other non-white races, warn their children about the cruelties of racism long before they encounter it. Why? Because you do not want your child to internalize these acts or taunts and feel that it is about them. The reality of it is that prejudice is about the person perpetrating it, their ignorance, their biases, even their hatred- not the person who receives it.
The article goes on to tell parents to teach their child a way to handle it, not to ignore it. They must be empowered to be able to say something, or even stare back at someone who is trying to intimidate by staring. If we teach our children to take charge of the situation, then we give them their power back that was so selfishly taken by the taunter. The old adage of "ignore it" when faced with a bully of any kind, just isn't the right advice. Ignoring things does not make them go away. And finally, if your child faces racism from an adult- it is your job as the parent to handle that.
A great resource for Transracial families is Pact, An Adoption Alliance.
They have an article called "Building Racial Identity", by Beth Hall. I was so pleased to see on their Strategy list, that we have implemented so many of these in our daily life. Here are some of those:
-When choosing professionals, allow race to be a factor in your choice. (Isaac's 1st Dr. was Afr. American. as well as his current Dentist) This helps to counterbalance some of society's negative stereotypes, and show them that those of their same race CAN have successful professions.
-Drive a few extra miles if needed to shopping places, movie theaters, libraries, parks, etc. where there are lots of people of varying colors. (We do this often, even driving further to eat at McDonalds. We also just purchased a year pass to the Dallas Zoo, located in a very diverse part of town).
-Groom your child so they look good all the time. Because they are a part of our families, they may be more critically judged by their own racial group. The article says, "African American hair should be oiled, combed, done up (girls) and well 'coifed', Latina girls often wear pierced ears from infancy...these physical manifestations not only become vehicles of good self esteem, but also provide connecting links between them and others of their race." (I am careful to make sure Isaac gets his hair cut by African American stylists, who know how to 'edge' it; has nicely hydrated skin, as well as the fact that we pierced Vivi's ears at the age of one. I always make sure her hair is done when we leave the house. We also chose names for them that we felt fit their racial identity).
-Expose your child early and often to the history of "their" people. Don't shy away from negative aspects of the history, for they need to understand the whole truth. Also let them hear these stories from people of their own race so they can understand the pride and importance of shared history and experience. (We have been to read-ins, done by black males and females sometimes dressed in traditional African apparel at the library during Black History month, attend parades and celebrations every year that are important to African American heritage, and plan to involve him in sports that are typically played by African American males- so he will be in touch with his peer group as he grows).
-Help your child master skills and experience personal success and accomplishment to help balance out society's often lowered and negative expectations. (We enroll Isaac in one activity every semester and varying Bible classes throughout the year: i.e. Awana, VBS- to help him experience little successes.)
Isaac is the one in the headband.
-Strengthen their sense of family identity and unity to help them manage the challenges of Transracial Adoption. Develop and reinforce family rituals and traditions, giving a strong sense of family membership. Little things you do often will ensure that we all feel like fully entitled members of our families. ( We eat dinner together every night, we visit the library every week, I have specific and repetitive traditions on every major and some minor holidays, we visit farmer's markets in the summer, and we celebrate their unique adoption day every year with cake, presents, and a fun family outing.)
Right now Isaac is at an age where he doesn't understand what adoption means because he doesn't get where babies come from, but we have lots of books that talk about adoption. We also have lots of books that show characters of all different races. He knows his skin is a different shade then lots of people he knows, and that his race is called African American, but he doesn't get why yet. We will continue to have these conversations with him as he grows.
I firmly believe that if God gives you a challenge, and we all know parenting is a BIG challenge- that He will equip you with the tools you need to do your best, if you seek out those resources. We continue to educate ourselves on these things, knowing that what we do now will need to change and grow with our children. We cannot protect them from what they may face in the world, and shouldn't if we could. Their unique struggles will help to build character and resilience in them. It is our job as parents to be a soft place for them to fall, an ear to listen, and a word of advice and instruction.
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3 friends commented!:
Great post! I have that site bookmarked but haven't looked at much on there. I'm going to check out the article you mentioned. Some great points here.
I'm currently reading Raising the Rainbow Generation. This one is not specifically written to parents of African American children it's written to all of us to help all our children when it comes to race.
I agree, great post.
My children are both Asian and we too planned to open our hearts to any child that came our way. (I do joke, however that I prayed for a baby with brown hair and brown eyes, I just wasn't any more specific than that!). We believe in empowering our children and believe that if we show offense at comments,then our children will feel that there is something wrong with being adopted. To that end, we take the gracious approach to educating people. Someone new to our church asked me if my children were mine (right in front of them)and I said, "Yep!" No explanations, no storytelling. No making someone who obviously unaware that my kids were adopted feel bad that they didn't know.
We were at the dentist and Peter had a new hygenist. She looked at Peter and Caroline and asked if I was the nanny (ahem!). Peter just looked at her and said, "We're adopted" just matter-of-factly. I was so happy that I somehow empowered him to clarify graciously at age 9 so it won't be an issue at 16 (I hope!)
Keep up the good work, Mama!
This mother is really very kind-full.
I pray to god for their great life.
She adopted four children, but it looks odd to see three black children. Since she is from Texas, there is very high chance of seeing white/Hispanic children.
So I was wondering whether she adopted children based on racial preference - please don't name me racist. what I mean is she did this just because mostly Blacks are poor
or is there any other person reason?
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