Stayin' Cool

Culture

There have been some differences in culture with K moving in. With my little boys, they have been raised with the morals and protection of a strong Christian family. They are still young enough to be shielded from things like inappropriate movies, music, and peer groups. This is not the case with a teen adoption where the child has lived an entire life away from you, a different culture than our white middle class...first in "the hood" and then in foster homes that he has had no control over. 

K has been exposed to things that I would never ever wish my child had witnessed or participated in. 

The more he gets to know me and trust me as his mom, the more he opens up. I won't share what he says because that is his personal business, but I will say it can be shocking and at times downright disturbing to hear his stories. The most difficult part is that often he doesn't see a problem with those influences on his life. He has lived in darkness in which there is no moral compass of right and wrong. Thankfully in many ways he has risen above that, but I am not naive enough to believe that he will always choose the path that will lead to righteousness. In fact, I believe that this will be an uphill road for us all from this moment to college graduation.

This realization has put me on a mission to both honor his cultural preferences like music (on his Ipod only), taste in clothes (to a degree), food preferences, and choice of extra-curricular activities.

(I make sure if his brothers are listening, that it is Gospel music only on there!)

However within that honoring, there will also be some influence on our parts to attempt to shape and mold him into the man we know he can be. For instance, whether he likes it or not he will be involved with our church Youth group (tweens and teens). It is crucial to me that he have friends whose families are walking in the same direction we are.

 This was on Facebook and I linked it to my wall:

 I love this. It inspires me to see the big picture that even though we have missed 15 years with this child, he is still a child. 

And even though the first 5 years in a kids life are crucial, 

I believe in a Savior that redeems the past at ANY age. 

On that note, like I said I have been in prayer for K to find some good Christian friends that he likes and respects and has things in common with. Yesterday, an amazing thing happened. We had plans to hang out with a friend I don't see very often because she was a teacher full time and had a 15 year old stepson. That morning her son said to his mom that he knew who K was and had went to middle school with him. We couldn't believe it. When we got there to swim, it was confirmed! Stayton and K had been in the 6th and 7th grades together and played football and basketball together. Stayton said "Mom, K is the kid who just disappeared and no one knew what happened to him."

Wow.

They had a blast reuniting!

They swam and then wanted to go in and play Xbox.

K came out and said, 

"Mom can I play Call of Duty?" 

(He knows how I feel about violence)

I said, "Alright if no little kids are around."

He had a huge smile and jumped up and put his first two fingers together saying,
 "Yes!! Mom...you and I are like this now."

Awesome moment.

The other aspect of culture has been that K's entrance into our family has begun to shape how the boys hair is done. Before I took them to any cheap hair salon that had a coupon in the mail. I always hated the edging done (or lack thereof) but just didn't want to spend more. I knew with K being a teen and having a certain style that we would have to begin to pay more for haircuts. So we now will be taking all the boys to a Barber shop a few blocks over.

 This guy spends about 20 minutes on each boy.

The edging is beautiful.

And K is there to help talk me into certain cuts and fades for the little boys.

All the men here are African American so the kids get the exposure of listening to what interests them and being able to see themselves in the context of other men and boys within their race.

Jasmine was fascinated with K's feet in the barber chair.

The other part of honoring K's preferences has been in the area of food.

Anyone following this blog for long time knows that I like my kids to eat well.

But when you adopt an older child, you have to respect the fact that food preferences are deep rooted and comforting. To take away what they love in lieu of a healthier diet is not a good idea. It could impede upon the parent/child attachment and trust you are trying so hard to build.
It is better to add healthy options to what they already love: like fresh fruit with their poptart. yogurt with their cookies, and baby carrots with their Doritos.
That way they still get what they like but also begin to build up a taste for healthier things.

For instance, K likes to douse everything in Ranch.

 Everything.

Salad, pizza, lasagna, pasta, vegetables...

It is quite gross.

However, I understand his need for what he knows and loves and as his devoted mother I buy the child the biggest bottle of ranch every week when I grocery shop. If this means he is willing to try new things as long as it is drowning in his favorite dressing, then fine. 

Isaac and Jayden have begun to ask for it and our answer is a resounding, 

NO.

We don't need them picking up bad habits!

These have been an exhausting two weeks full of many, many ups and downs.

But I know that in the end, God will honor our obedience to take in this child that he handpicked just for us. 

I believe it.

 I pray for it daily.

And I know that He who has chosen us will sustain us and equip us in all the areas we feel unprepared for.

Because this is a beautiful life He has already given us.

Teen Fashion

  Someone asked me, "When K moves in, are you going to let him wear baggy clothes?"

I said, it depends.

Baggy clothes, sure...four inches of underwear showing, 

heck NO.

 

Look~when it comes to teen fashion sense, we as parents do not have to like what they wear.

 We don't have to like being seen with them in public with what they have on. 

But should we tell them how they can and cannot dress?

With limits. 

I have told K that he can wear the clothing he is comfortable in and that he thinks is cool (i.e. 3 pairs of shorts) BUT he cannot show his boxer shorts OR wear offensive clothing that goes against our family values. And I reserve the right to yank his shirts down over his butt if I see him transgressing the rules, regardless of where we are and who is watching. Aside from that...sure!

With my daughters there will be lots of lessons and limits regarding modesty, but they will pretty much have the freedom to pair whatever they want with whatever they think looks good and I do not have to think it is cute.

I mean lets get honest, people...teen fashion has never been attractive to adults. 

Let us take a pictoral walk down memory lane, shall we?

Atleast for my lifetime....

We have seen:

 The 2000's that brought with it a deep love for all things floral, jean jackets, and hobo bags.

Then there is the:

What is UP with the denim and cinched waists?

And remember white Keds? Oh good gosh.

And none of us could ever forget the:

 

Neon colors, zebra print, big hair, loud makeup and accessories.

I actually think this look is making a comeback.

Scary.

Finally, I was an infant during this time, 

but still it ought to be noted:

Yeesh, that is a lot of white!

So when my child insists on wearing athletic shorts down to his knees, shirts that have to match his shoe color exactly, and this interesting fashion statement:

I smile and say, "Nice, Son. You look good!".

Now in his defense he does not wear two different colors of socks, but he does wear two socks on each foot of matching color and brand name. AND it is very important that his sock brand match his shoe brand so we are currently stocked up on Nike and Adidas black and white socks.

I bought him 4 pairs of shoes and any further pairs he wants (like his current obsession with getting white Adidas Samoas and white Jordan slides) have got to be bought with money he earns...cause these shoes are not cheap, people!

So as far as teen fashion sense...the path I am following is one of least resistance.

Because I know like all things in life, this too shall pass. :)

Cheer Camp and The Honeymoon Is Over

Cheer camp was all last week. 

Vivianna loved it! It ended with a performance on Friday.

I love seeing her cheer. She is so happy and energetic and athletic.

This is the perfect sport for her personality.

In other news K and I went shopping for his summer wardrobe this weekend. A friend from church left a bag on the porch with several items from the popular teen clothing store, "Hollister". 

He was THRILLED to get that name brand.

By the time the weekend was over we purchased 3 athletic shorts with matching shirts, 3 casual shirts, 3 cargo shorts, a hoodie, lots of socks (he is into name brand Nike and Adidas), three pairs of shoes, a pair of "slides", underwear, and about a dozen Hollister shirts.

His clothing style is very particular. He is into styles and colors matching exactly down to the shoes. He irons his stuff and does not like to wear anything that has faded. I have been welcomed into the world of having a teen in a BIG way because we got into our first two fights this weekend over football and his desire to own a PS3 and rated Mature games. 

We don't do gaming in our household so that is an area we will have to explore some more with him.

The good thing about our disagreements is that even though he frustrated me to no end, I also see that children who feel safe will push back. He now always calls us Mom and Dad all the time and has dropped our first names right around the same time he got real opinionated! 

I honestly expected it to take a lot longer than a week for all that to happen. 

The honeymoon phase of this adoptive placement has come crashing down I can tell you that.

But it is all good even though there will be some rocky waters ahead for sure.

I have a very close friend who is co-parenting her teenage stepson and of course K's brother T's new adoptive mom-to-be is also a close friend so we will be able to swap teen war stories as well. Also, I always have my experience with the kids I nannied for in college who are now 16 and almost 12 and still very much a part of my life.

I plan on doing an upcoming blogposts on Teen Fashion and Discipline Styles...once I get caught up on my sleep and laundry!! It is similar in a lot of ways to having a newborn around here. :)

Vacation Photo Wrap Up

Football Mom

We had an awesome day. 

Vivi won the spirit stick at cheerleading camp for being the best helper.

And while she was there, the rest of us went up to the highschool to meet the head football coach. He was THE nicest guy. He is a Christian and shows the boys movies like Courageous and Facing the Giants. He said that he teaches the guys more off the field than on. He was so welcoming to K and seemed excited and pleased to have him join his 4A Junior Varsity team. 

The football field turf and track are being replaced and are turning out absolutely gorgeous.

Coach spent so much time with us and walked us all through the entire football building.

The varsity locker room looked like it was University quality. It was perfection.

  I can't wait for the day that my son earns the hammer, an honor bestowed upon the best player in practice that week. They lead the team through the smoke at the home games carrying this! 

And when the team wins, they get a notch in the wood. They began this tradition last year.

This is the indoor football fields. They have automatic ball throwing machines and all of the equipment is state of the art. Each player is issued a pair of $200 cleats payed for by football boosters. The coach loved Jayden too and kept rubbing his head and saying that he looked like football material. He even tried to recruit him for their pee-wee football camp this summer. 

Maybe next year.

I told the coach I am a very involved mother and he said great because the football parents are a tight family. He said many moms order jerseys for the whole family with the players last name on the back. I love that idea, of course. 

Right up my alley. :)

 I even signed Vivi up for our city cheerleading league today and she will be in a black and gold uniform like K. So much fun!

 The other fun thing about the day is we got to go to Sports Authority (with a gift card from a sweet friend that I did CASA training with 5 years ago!) and purchased his shoes and gear for football practice that begins tomorrow morning at 7:45am. He will do that for one more week and then two a days will begin August 6th.

While we were there, K surprised me greatly by referring to Billy as "Dad" once and then later he said
 "Mom, what mouthpiece should I get?"
I was stunned because he always calls us Mr. Billy and Ms. Laurie.
I said, "huh?" because I wasn't sure I heard him right.

It was a beautiful moment.

He has since gone back of course to referring to us by our first names, which is no surprise cause he has only been here for two days...but its a start. And I can live off the euphoria of being his Mom til the next time he says it.

Tonight when he was filling out some football paperwork, he wrote "mother" under my name. It struck me as interesting that he didn't have to qualify it as "adoptive mother".
He just accepted that I am his mother.

It feels really really great.

In just one short month I will officially be a high school

Football Mom.

How did that happen?