One Year

July 13th marked one year since our teenage son came home. I am not sure what to make of this milestone in our family. It has been a journey unlike any other we have taken in parenting. There is no class that can prepare you for what it is like to parent a child you didn't raise, and no two experiences are the same.

We have prayed and cried and rejoiced over this boy. We have had angry transactions between us. We have seen victory over his past. We have seen great changes and at the same time are grieved in much of the same ways we were when he first arrived.

I have learned how to come at him and how not to, in confrontation. I have learned that I have to be more accepting of behaviors and attitude than I planned on being.

I have seen that I am stronger than at first I felt.

Our son exhausts us and elates us, and he would do all this if he were our only, but he is not. He is one of five, and yet takes up so much of our mind space and efforts. Adopting a teenager from foster care is certainly NOT for the faint of heart.

Due to a pretty big altercation we had at the beginning of the summer, we have called the troops in...in the form of a mentor at our church. This is a black man who was raised in a very, very violent and impoverished ghetto. He self professes to have done some bad things in his life, yet when Jesus took ahold of him years ago it all changed. He and his wife have been to our house several times now. He always speaks a firm word of truth to Keishun. When he first met me, he said how he could see God had hand picked me for this boy because I was not going to be intimidated or pushed around. I told him I was born for such a role as this. My fiestiness comes in handy on a daily basis.

I can say in this year, this child who once called me Ms. Laurie has become very much my son and I his Mom. I have been to the school fighting on his behalf. I have shed tears when he was in trouble. I have made phone calls and emails. I have fought for him and with him and will continue to do so.

We have been blessed by this life.

I took this picture with my cell phone cam. It illustrates perfectly my childhood dream to have a large kitchen table filled up with happy children.  I thank God for making my dreams come true in His way.

I Will Try To Fix You

Since welcoming our teenage son home from foster care, it has been obvious to us that we have been called to love in a way that will stretch us beyond our limits at times. The Biblical concept of loving the unlovable comes up often when my son's hurt and anger bubble to the surface and gush out like a volcano. 

We usually have no warning it is coming.

Last night was one of these times.

I took Isaac to baseball practice and went to a park with my little ones to let them play. It happened to be that Keishun and two of his friends were on a basketball court nearby, playing a game with several guys they did not know. An altercation erupted and by the time I gathered the kids and quickly headed over there, pushing had happened and I cringed at hearing Keishun shout foul names and words at his closest friend and challenge him to fight. I broke it up by separating the boys and heard, 

"You are lucky your Mama was here to save you!"

I guess he was...because Keishun later said, "I believe God put you there Mom at just the right moment. 

Cause I was going to hit him hard."

Sigh.

What ensued was my whole night being taken up with discussions with the other boy's parents and then verbal fighting when I confronted my child on his behavior and told him he can't do these things and expect to keep friends. In a surprising turn of events, the friend walked to our house to make amends. I was very impressed and told him so. I told him that no one has done that for Keishun before. He is far too stubborn and prideful to ever do that for himself. I warned him that being my son's friend would come with a price. He would have to turn the other cheek. He might have to put up with behaviors he never would from another guy.  

He would have to swallow his pride...because he cannot count on Keishun to do it. My mama heart grieved when he told me the other guys don't like my son because he runs his mouth all the time.

He told me he doesn't like him sometimes either.

But that he was there to set it right.

I asked him to make sure Keishun was worth it.

I told him that I hope very much that he is.

I said that I adore my child to the ends of the earth and back, but that we are dealing with a broken kid. 

A boy programmed to fight at all costs.

Easily agitated. Extremely defensive.

A child whose entire life was taken from him at 13. 

Whose childhood best friend whom he used to talk about all the time, was ripped from his life with no warning.

And he has never trusted another friend the same way again. 

I teared up when I said, "I can't fix him." 

Because, I can't.

And in the moments I shared in the backyard at dusk with the only true friend my child has right now in the whole world, a bond was forged. 

A bond that said, 

"Sweet friend...if you will have my son's back, I will have yours.

 Let's do this thing together. 

Because my trust is in the One who can fix him.

And I will stand in the gap between Keishun and a world that tells him he is just another angry black man when he does nothing to disprove that stereotype.

I will stand in the gap when my boy chooses loneliness time and again over relationships that are messy and painful.

With God as my strength when I am too weak to parent a child who requires my everything, I will bring together the pieces of his life that are broken. I can't make him new again, only Christ can. There will always be jagged pieces that don't quite fit back the way they once did. There will be a God sized hole until he surrenders his life to the only One who can fill it. 

There is a song that has run through my head all these years since I became a mother to my first son from foster care: 

Coldplay's "Fix You".

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."

This child needs me in one way or another all the time. And that's not easy. Especially when I am also raising 4 little ones. Billy said our profile with the devil just went way up when we brought Keishun home. This is holy ground we have stepped upon and satan does not like that one bit.

Satan will discourage and distract us...

he will  exhaust our souls.

He will feed lies into our hearts that things will never be any better.

That broken people cannot be fixed.

And we won't believe a word of it.

The Light of this world has guided this boy home. 

And He will fix our son.

We know a man at church who grew up as a little black boy in the roughest part of the ghetto. He was a violent, angry man. He was a criminal. And our Lord changed Him dramatically. 

He is now using his life story to help God fix youth facing the same kinds of obstacles.

We will be praying through asking him to mentor our boy. 

In the meantime Billy and I are on our knees pleading for our son's safety and salvation as we pray for each one of our children. I am holding out for the day when we see before our very eyes, an unrepentant heart yield to his Savior.

I believe that day will come.

Foster Care Adoption

I spent my last week on Facebook each day showcasing children who are available for adoption here in Texas through the foster care system. I posted their picture, taken from the state website, along with a link to their profile. 

One day, I chose this 17 year old boy. 

He is just one year away from aging out.

I mentioned that black adolescent boys are the most difficult to find adoptive homes for and tend to just grow up in foster care until they age out of the system. Statistics are grim for this demographic. It is what those in social services call "going from one institution to the other"...meaning they go from foster care to prison to a homeless shelter or mental institution. National statistics read that 66% of all foster care youth who age out at 18 will be in prison, homeless, or die within one year of leaving foster care. You can read about that in this article.

Another day I showcased this sibling group. 

Can you say ADORABLE?!
Boy/girl twins!

 Did you know that 75% of African American children are born without a father figure in their life? This is in comparison to only 4% of white kids who are born without a dad. The prognosis of children who grow up without a father is also grim. Statistics are high that boys who grow up without a dad spend the bulk of their adult life in and out of prison. For girls? They often end up having children out of wedlock and having to go on welfare. 

The website Without A Father. com states many of these statistics. This website mentions that fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.

The very last child I chose to showcase on Facebook 

was this 15 year old beauty:

I asked the question,

"How different would you have felt on the day of your prom, your graduation, and your wedding had you not had your Mom there?"

With all of the children I showcased, my heart was moved. But this girl brought me to tears...maybe cause she looks like I imagine my  daughter looking like one day...

My heart dropped when I read her profile,

the statement that usually says what a child likes to do for fun, what they are into, etc. 

This teenage girl's profile simply stated:

"I dream of being adopted."

I read that and I sobbed.

I cried for all the kids whose dreams are that simple...and yet so unattainable. I cried for the kids who will move into a dorm room, if they are lucky to go to college at all, alone. 

I cried for the kids who wonder as each birthday passes if they will ever be chosen. 

I cried for the ones who just want their mom and dad back, no matter how mean or neglectful they were. 

Because when you are a child, 

sometimes any mom and dad is better than none.

I cried for my own kids and thanked my God for saving them.

He did it. Not me.

So...if you are reading this, my friend, and you are in love and at the top of your game and wanting to start your family... please read these words.

You don't have to give birth to your children for them to be yours.

You don't have to adopt little bitty babies for them to be yours.

You don't have to go overseas to adopt an orphan for a child to be yours.

There are kids right here.

They are waiting.

Please remember this,

You never outgrow the need for a mom and a dad.

Insomnia and Insecurity

It is roughly 4 am and I am awake. Why, you wonder? I have had insomnia since I was a child. No cure, really. Sometimes I take Melatonin to fall asleep but on nights like this when I wake too late to take medication, I just have to fight through the wakefulness that makes me toss and turn. I also have been struggling with headaches again. Daily. And it is painful.

Tonight what woke me up was a dream I had about Keishun. More of a nightmare really. In the dream, he told me he was hanging out at a friend's house...but I stumbled upon him in some sort of a mall or something hanging out with a bunch of members of his biological family. They were laughing and joking in a familiar way that made me sad. I texted him that I could hear what he was saying and he looked over and saw me and walked over to say, "just leave." In that moment...in the dream...I felt like I wasn't his mother. Or family at all. They were. I woke up feeling left out, hurt...sad. I laid there for awhile and talked myself down...telling myself it was only a dream. No biggie. It didn't really happen. But then I got to wondering what about our relationship makes me insecure? Is it cause he pushes back with me a lot? Is it because I didn't raise him from birth? Is it the natural angst between a teenager and their mother? 

I love this child...who isn't really a child at all...so fiercely. When I am at his basketball games, I watch his every move. When he is playful with me, my heart soars. When he says, "thanks Mom"...it makes all of my fears about his future vanish. When he is moody and rude and distant and argumentative, it crushes me. I don't know why this child of all of them has such an effect on me. I suppose it is the nature of older child adoption. I didn't change his diapers, or wipe his baby face. I didn't get to cuddle him and sing to him and read to him. To some extent, I don't have any claim over him except for a paper that says I am his legal mother. Or maybe it is just what happens when our kids are grown and become independent from us. Our sense of control over their lives...that was never really true anyway...begins to vanish.

When I am insecure about the love between us that I know is real, I cling to the times when things just seem right. At night, when the little kids are all in bed and he climbs into our King right smack between Billy and I and settles in joking, "I hope ya'll didn't have any plans tonight." The time we were folding clothes together and he referred to his birthmother as "my first mom" instead of just "my mom" as he had always done before. When he talks about going out to eat and wanting both Dad and I there because "it wouldn't feel right without you". When he sings Rascal Flatts, "The Broken Road" at the top of his lungs from his ipod and I joke, "does that song make you think of me?" In all seriousness he replies, "yeah".

These are the moments I cherish. My boy. My precious son given to me not by birth, but as a gift from God. All grown up already in many ways, but in so many others still needing a Mom. And wanting it to be me.

My thoughts tonight led me to thinking of my boys' birthmothers. Today is Jayden's 5th birthday. FIVE years he has been on this earth. For over two of them, mine. And in the hearts and minds of his first family he will always be two and a half. The age he was when he was taken. When he was theirs.
 
But now he is ours. And we are all he knows in this life as family. I get the joy of waking him up and seeing the sly smile on his face when I exclaim. "Happy Birthday, Baby!" We get the pleasure of watching him blow out birthday candles and the excitement on his face as his friends roll in for his party this weekend. His first family will just get the pictures. I hope that in them, they can find some comfort in knowing that their boys are doing well.  Better than well, they have a hope now and a future.

If I could say this to my boys' first moms I would: "Please know that the deep ache you feel in losing your boys is a similar ache I have felt all these years in not conceiving them. I know these two losses are not the same thing. But what is, is the bond we will always have as their beloved mothers. You began their lives as the primary figure, and I will finish it. I did not replace you. Love does not take over where one is gone...it adds. Despite all of our shortcomings mine and yours, I know God had a plan for them before He created them and I know that He will see it through to completion. You are never far from our thoughts."

You see, I do not see Keishun's family as competition. They held a place in his life and in some ways still do. But we actually get to experience his life as it happens. When he comes home on break from college, this will be the place he comes. When anything big happens in his life, Dad and I will be the first ones he calls. It is the natural order of things.

So tonight, I will try not to toss and turn any longer. I will send up a prayer for my babies' families...for their safe keeping...for their hearts to heal. And for mine to heal too. I will thank my Jesus for His provision in the life of Billy and I and our children. I will rest knowing that when the sun rises, my baby boy will be another year older. Another year for me to experience the immense joy of being his mother.

Keishun's Adoption Story

As you can see on the right sidebar, I have over the years typed out each of my children's adoption stories in an attempt to give some background to our family for new readers and to inspire those who stop by that adoption is a beautiful way to build a family.

So while the ink is still fresh on that Adoption Decree for my 5th child, I wanted to share with you the journey that made him ours.

 

Keishun's story of course began when he was born on December 26, 1996. He was the 3rd of 4 that would be born to his firstmom. In his childhood (that was not easy), he lived through his aunt's sons whom he was raised with, all being taken into foster care.  

Two of them would become our Isaac and Jayden.

Keishun was just 8 years old when CPS came in and removed 5 month old Isaac from the home. He said he was the only one willing to walk the baby to the car because everyone else was too upset. This is our only photo of Isaac as an infant and it was taken the night he was removed. 

A year ago, when I looked at the photo I had viewed dozens of times, I finally realized the sweet looking boy holding him was his cousin, Keishun. This picture that once gave me so much joy to see my first child's baby face, now brings me sadness to think of all the loss it represents. 

Fast forward to the summer of 2010. We get an unexpected call from CPS stating that Isaac has a brother...two and half years old...named Jayden. He had just been removed from his first home and had been in foster care for a week. We were asked to take him as our son and of course we said, YES!

He was a delight. Thick...and looooved to eat.

That is one of Keishun's biggest memories of Jayden's toddlerhood...

he could EAT.

But something else happened on that day in July 2010 when they came for Jayden...Keishun and his siblings were all removed by CPS as well. For the first time in their lives. 

At roughly the ages of 10, 13, 15, and 17.

And they were all split up.

We didn't find out about these cousins until that November when our caseworker asked of Jayden could have a goodbye visit with the cousins that had been raised as brothers, Terrance and Keishun.

No, we said.

Why should he have to say goodbye?

We wanted to say hello, so we did.

And then we asked the boys if they would want to spend Thanksgiving with us. 

And they did.

The following month we brought them back to give them Christmas presents and take them to Six Flags. They were thrilled and our hearts were very full that year.

Then that spring, Jasmine was born.

And we couldn't get the boys as much during those newborn months.

But a couple months later we got them again for a weekend in the summer and they fell in love with the new baby:

Then they came back to go to court with us for Jayden's adoption that July, a year after he had come home. 

Fast forward to April of this year.

I had arranged for the cousins to spend Easter weekend with us.

I bought and stuffed two huge Easter baskets full of wonderful surprises. We eagerly anticipated their arrival. Then the day before we were to go get them from their foster homes, I got a cryptic call from Keishun on my voicemail saying they had to move and could not come. All of my efforts to retrieve them anyway, failed. So I waited until summer when I would try again.

But before I had a chance, their caseworker contacted me to say that the homes she had lined up for their permanency were not working out. Billy and I quickly talked and knew we wanted to welcome Keishun home as our son, but that it would not be possible to have six children at this time. 

I made a promise to the caseworker that I would work hard to find a home nearby for Terrance that would not just foster, but would want to make him their own. I wanted parents for him that we could grow close to and he could always be a part of our family too. God answered my prayers when a precious foster family from our church stepped up to the call to welcome home a 12 year old son, a brother to their 3 year old. 

And they did bring him home.

On July 9, 2012...we were able to welcome home our son as a kinship placement through CPS...and we spent the next five and a half months simply...or not-so-simply, parenting him.

It has not been an easy road welcoming a teenager home, we have fought and railed against Satan's attacks in doing what God has clearly called us to do. But it has also been an immense joy to live this incredible story.
Here is a video montage of our time leading up to his adoption finalization on December 27, 2012 the day after his 16th birthday.

 We are so so glad to have him home.
And to have him ours.

If you want to read more of our journey to adopting our teenager, you can read past blog posts here.

Adoption Party!!

 Tonight was Keishun's adoption party. 

Several families came out to celebrate which meant the world to us.

 I went with a white and silver snowflake theme.

With all white snacks.

It is official...We have a SON!

Today was adoption day for a certain teenager!!

(pronounced "Key-Shawn")

 My favorite moment: when the judge came over to take this picture and said to Keishun: "you are taller than your dad!"

With our awesome attorney who has finalized all five of our adoptions.

 The whole crew (including Grandma) that came to witness our 
very special day and keep me sane through the no-cameras-in-the-courtroom debacle and the hour long delay waiting on our CPS caseworker to finally show up.
LOVE my sister friends, Robin and Maile.

   

Keishun's 16th Birthday

 Our SON Keishun turned 16 years old.

 We celebrated in the morning, hence the horrible hair pictures. :)

 Here he is pouting that I made him wear a party hat!

 So he jazzed it up a bit:

 I bought him the yummiest cinnamon rolls EVER...

 He wanted to light his own candle.

 Then it was time for presents. His gifts are wrapped in pink because we call him our princess since he is so high maintenance. He said he didn't care what color the paper was, as long as there are gifts inside!

 Excited for white Nike basketball pants.

 And of course money and a giftcard...every teenager's dream gift.

Happy Birthday the best teenage SON in the world!

We Have a Court Date!!!

We went through much drama to get here,

but I am excited to say that next Thursday, December 27th we will go to court to make this teenager our legal son.

He will be adopted the day after he turns 16.

As with every single one of our CPS adoptions, we are sooooo ready for this chapter to come to an end.

I will post pictures of court and announce his name to you all next week. Praise God through whom all blessings flow.

Bball

 

K's basketball season on JV at the highschool has officially begun!!

We had two scrimmage's this week. In these pictures he has the ball in all of them.

Funny story:

I looked at the booster club website yesterday and saw this big announcement that there is a parent meeting Monday night. So we had a conversation that went like this:

Mom: When were you going to tell me about the basketball parent meeting on Monday.

K: Yeah, I have a flier in my backpack. There is a meeting on the 12th at 7 pm.

Mom: Uh, Babe. Monday is the 12th.

K: This Monday?

Mom: Yep

K: Oh oops. I would have probably told you around 6 pm Monday night.

Mom: I thought so.

The joys of having a teenage boy.

You can look forward to lots more Bball pictures between now and February.

Adopting An Older Child

When we made the decision to welcome K home as our son, it was not something we jumped into lightly. God had been preparing our hearts for two years for this particular child as we built a relationship of trust with he and his brother, and fell in love with them both as our family members.

If you had asked me, I would have said we would never adopt out of birth order and that we would never adopt a teenager...certainly not while all of our kids are young. We have all heard too many stories of kids who are so wounded that they just cannot function in a family. And we did not want to risk shaking up the stability our children had because we had some kind of bleeding heart for kids who age out of the foster care system...although it is true that we do. 

We have found with our own journey through fostering, that no...love is not enough to heal all wounds. 

And that we can never be good enough parents to take on this kind of challenge. There are not enough classes that can be taken or books that can be read to prepare you for the day when you go head to head with your teenager and both of your sin natures flare up.

Surely God would never call us to this kind of challenge.

But He did.

And through the very real prescence of the Holy Spirit in our lives and as Jesus is Lord of our marriage and home, we have been able to navigate these scary waters and continue to come out the other end farely unscathed. What used to rattle me with K's behaviors, now sends me into action mode. Sometimes action with a teen means choose your battles...do not confront where a confrontation is not needed, and give them space to be mad.

Sometimes it means looking them in the eye and saying, "do as I tell you to do," knowing that they will do it with a big 'ol attitude and that it is not the end of the world.

Sometimes it means they get left out of fun family time because they have chosen to be miserable.

Our biggest parenting strategy with K has been to build up all of the family bonding moments he missed. This means meals together every night at the kitchen table. Movie nights at home and fun events out. Board games with Mom and Dad after all the little kids are in bed. Pancakes on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoon football on TV. 

Yes, football. 

In this family. 

Can you believe it?

Lots and lots of laughter and playing and bonding.

Because he has missed so much.

The other night we ate pizza in the living room put Peter Pan in. 

The newest live action version.

K asked questions like, "What is a lost boy? Where is Neverland? " and laughed at all the predictable parts. 

I mumbled to Billy, "lost childhood." 

He nodded.

K overheard and said, "I didn't grow up watching these kinds of movies, guys."

We know son.

One day he asked if he could go to a schoolmate's house a couple streets over. I said yes, but that I would need to walk him there to see the house and meet the parents. I am glad I did, cause there was some shady stuff I saw that I later addressed with him... he was quite annoyed that I had to go do that. 

Tough, I said to myself.

A week later he wanted to go to a different friend's house in the neighborhood. I told him he would need to text dad the address of the house. I could tell he was annoyed that we are so up in his business. Later he brought it up and said he understood why I wanted the address, "but I didn't grow up with anyone caring where I went or when I would be back."

We know son.

I have joined the basketball booster club at his school.

He was surprised to see that I will be volunteering at the concession stands, that some of his teammates already know me and hug me when they see me...and that yes...one of us will always be at his away games.

"All of them?" he asked. "No one came to my games before."

We know son.

He often looses things and misplaces stuff and is all around irresponsible with his possessions. One day he told us, "I'm just not used to having so many things to keep up with."

K always has all kinds of ailments that require me to nurture and baby him. I have never been around a bigger whiner...well except myself, of course. But I know what it is like to not have my needs for affection and attention met growing up...so I indulge him. 

Sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like he will literally suck the life out of me.

But when I hear his laughter and see him relaxed and taking over the entire living room with all of his things and helping his brother with his homework and dressing his baby sister before church...I know this is the place he has always belonged. 

He was missing and we didn't even know it. 

He told me that foster care felt like a holding place from his first home to here. And that he felt lost. I smiled to know that he is now found. I was also happy to hear that he put us in the same category as his birthfamily.

We are all his, regardless of when we came into his life.

He has decided to take our last name at adoption finalization, which will hopefully happen within a week of him turning 16.

He has decided to take Billy's father's name as his middle name.

He was very excited about that.

He has claimed us.

He is ours and we are his.

And I swell with pride at the honor it is to his grandfather for him to take the family name passed down from generations at the age of 16 years old.

He is our last child. But he is our first born son.

It seems fitting.

It is a beautiful picture of how at conversion, we took our Father's name in the family of God.

Beloved sons and daughters. 

Chosen, wanted, sacrificed for, saved from a lost world.

Our Father prepares a place for us even now, 

as we have for our children.

To bring them home.

Nothing about adopting an older child is easy.

But I have to say I believe it is the greatest thing I have done in my life. I am proud to be each one of my children's mother...but this endeavor, this step out on a big leap of faith, with all of its challenges and changes... continues to bring me some of my greatest life joy.

Update on K

I cannot WAIT for basketball season to start.

K has the most amazing coach. At the parent meeting the other night he told us what his passions are in order of:

 1. His Faith    2. His Family    3. Basketball

He said that he is excited about this year as he wants to pour into the boys what it means to be a man since society is feeding them all the wrong messages. K really loves this team and is diligent to go to every open gym offered after school, any weight training offered, and even told me he wants to go to Fellowship of Christian Athletes meetings on Fridays at 7:30 am led by the basketball coaches for all athletes at the school. 

This was music to my ears!

We think he is one of the coaches favorite players because he is often selected with 5 others to start in practice. Yesterday a guest speaker pointed out to the whole team that he observed K telling another player to go back and do his lunges correctly as he was slacking off thinking none of the coaches could see. 

I am going to be so proud sitting in those stands and knowing my son is on that court in black and gold.

In other K news, he is doing excellent with his grades. 

He has all A's and B's in his classes, but had been failing a couple quizzes in Geometry. So after a slightly heated "discussion" we had about his need to go to tutoring, days later he chose on his own will to go after school the night before a test. 

He in turn made a 91 on that Geometry test. 

I was sooo proud of him for choosing to be responsible.

Also, his CASA worker and CPS supervisor have been diligently working towards an adoption date of November. This is months before the state mandated 6 month waiting period for finalization, however CPS has requested we be given clearance to go to court on National Adoption Day!!! We are praying hard that it comes true. It would be such a blessing to me to have my final adoption take place on such a joyous day for so many.

And finally, his attitude and lack of respect have made such a turn around. We know that we are still always one fight away from another blow up, but Billy and I have changed some of our tactics with him i.e. don't needlessly anger the bear.

He is responding to my positive feedback, he is choosing to walk away from situtations instead of escalating them and we are really feeling like our overall relationship is so much better. He can still be quite draining as he requires ALOT of my time and attention, but I also know this is all a good sign of bonding. 

We are in a good place right now and look favorably upon what God has for every member of our family moving forward.

One last thing I want to share. K said the other night that he always wished his cousin, Jayden was his real brother.  

I told him "well he is now, your dream came true," and he said 

"yeah it did."

If God Is For Us, Then Who Can Stop Us?

A friend sent me this quote from this blog on the subject of older child adoption:

"Be prepared for anything. You are stepping on the toes of Satan when you adopt a child and bring them out of the darkness and into the light. He will not put up with that. But greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world. God will not let you down. He will be with you every step of the way. When you feel you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. The adoption road is not an easy one, but it is a fulfilling one. It is work even when you get home, but the joy that comes from it is immeasurable. The growth that takes place in you as a person, the strength you never thought you had, the redemption of a life without hope is worth it all!"

I love that so much. The idea that Satan will be on high alert to discourage, confuse, frustrate, and alienate those of us who are doing God's work in this world. This has been a hard adjustment for me to go from a mom who knows how to potty train and effectively discipline a two year old...to a mom who is supposed to know how to deal with all the little battles an adolescent throws your way. But I have begun to soak up the times when God says to my weary heart, I am with you. I have chosen this path for you. I have built the family you were always supposed to have. I am bigger and stronger than anything this world has to throw your way.

Today in the car, this song came on by Chris Tomlin and K began to sing the chorus out. I had no idea he even knew it. He said "I love this song". I said, "me too" and we began to sing it together. I felt a peace fill that van with the lyrics that rang out, "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with is then what could stand against?"

Nothing can.

Not my shortcomings, not my children's issues or the sin of their birth parents,
not our guilt in never being enough.
Not Satan and his plans to discredit me as a mother.
Not anything can stand against me if God is for me.

Romans 8:38 says,  "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love."

His intense love for me is what keeps me loving these kids when my sin nature fails me.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is a writer and encouraged my heart greatly this week when she wrote these words on the blog,
 Domestic Kingdom 

 "To be sure, mothers sacrifice for their children in a thousand little ways each day. But we have to define and evaluate these sacrifices with an eternal perspective. I’m afraid my vision is all-too myopic in scope all-too often...Hoping in Jesus outshines any earthly gain a mother could ever have were she to forsake her role of sacrificially loving her children.

So when I consider the calling, the work, and the sacrifices of motherhood in this light, with a thrill in my heart I want to say that I have never made a “sacrifice.”

I remember growing up in a home where everything my mother "did for us" was thrown in our faces with the slightest disappointing behavior from us. 

And it still is.

To this day I do not have a relationship with my mother because she cannot move past the ways I have upset her or offended her or rejected her.

 I hope to never be that kind of mother. I hope that if I fall in that area, I can apologize and make amends with my children. I hope my deep love for them can overcome the grief they give me. 

I hope I can lay down my own desires for their good.

I hope my kids will see that I did not sacrifice on their behalf.

Jesus did.

I hope they will always know that the ways I denied myself and my feelings for their greater good was to honor my Lord and point them to the One who gave it all...not so that I could receive the glory via a hallmark card on Mother's Day.

I hope that I will cling to the protection and provision of the One who gave His life that I shall gain eternal life.

I don't know what brings you to this blog every day, dear reader.
I hope it is that there is something here that speaks to your soul.
I will continue to write about the good and the bad and I hope you know that
I am honored to have you.

How Is It Really Going...Really

I know some of you have been wondering now that K has been in our home for two weeks, 

how is it really going with our older child adoptive placement?

My answer:

It is so much more fulfilling than I ever imagined it would be and it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be.

I actually had no expectations really, other than that he would play football (as he talked ALL the time about doing) do some chores, continue to be polite, and have fun with us.

What I didn't know would happen is:

1) He would quite football after just a few days of practice (his reasons are extensive and his personal business so I won't share them here).

2) He would fill me with so much joy when he began to call me Mom all the time within the first week.

3) That he would be so argumentative and teenage boy-ish with me, but not with Dad.

4)That he would get along with Vivi so well and begin to truly love and enjoy her company.

5) That he and Isaac would fight and fuss and annoy one another beyond my limits.

6)That he would eat less than I thought he would.

7) That he would drink WAY more than I was prepared for!

8)That he would complain about things I can not do anything about.

9)That he would want to be with me during every waking hour and want so many things...all the time.

10) That I would be so tired.

Now before you feel sorry for me and try to make claims about how he should be grateful for what he has been given and how dare he give me such mothering angst after all we have done for him...please remember that one does not expect a teen birthed by their parent to be grateful. 

It is their birthright to be given a bedroom and clothing and things they enjoy.

Teenagers are like toddlers~ egocentric.

And mine is no different just because he came to me later in life.

We are constantly talking about things like working hard for what you have, striving for excellence and not settling for mediocrity, being a person of integrity even when no one is looking, and be grateful for the Lord's provision. 

But do I want him to thank us?

 No. 

God did this and He deserves all the praise.

What I would like my son to do however, is to drop the attitude, look at the bright side of things, and make lemonade out of lemons. In a nutshell I just want him to be content.

I bet my Father wants me to do the same.

This child has taught me so much about the parent child relationship and has brought me to my knees in petition and prayer to my God. I believe my eldest son will go far in life. But I don't believe I have the skills to make that happen, I will take some credit for staying all up in his business...but in the end he is his own person with his own free will. 

His success will have to happen by the absolute grace of God interceding in His life.

But that is a tough concept to teach a child who thinks he is the greatest thing since Kobe Bryant.

And this experience has brought out so many insecurities in me.

Although I know K and I are very close as I always hoped we would be, he talks alot about his past and his "school" and "neighborhood". He is processing his losses and does not want to say goodbye to what was, regardless of the negative influence it had on his life. We visited birthfamily last weekend and although I was excited to meet the brother we never knew who is the spitting image of Jayden:

I was also feeling a bit territorial, wanting to tuck my oldest in a bubble where he can't be lied to or misled anymore or tempted. I want him to have birth family relationships but I wonder, at what cost?

You see with my other four, I don't feel competitive towards their first families because I know the bonds we have are deep and far transcend blood relationships. But with my oldest, we don't have the years on our side. We don't have the cuddling and closeness to fall back on. 

And I wonder if I let him go a little, will I one day loose him forever?

Will he always pine over what was and what could have been even if he knows that lifestyle was not in his best interest. Will I be able to say goodbye when it wasn't that long ago that I said hello. 

This is what I ponder when he talks about all the things he wishes he could do and the places he wishes he could go. 

And none of them involve me.

He went to his first sleepover last night and I can tell he has just had a blast. It is a friend of ours whose son is fabulous, and happens to live in K's old stomping grounds. K and he get along very well and I am so grateful for that relationship. But I did wonder, "Oh no. Will he have so much fun there that he won't want to come back here? Will he wish they had adopted him instead of us so he could attend his high school and be with his old friends? Will he think our humble home isn't good enough after relaxing in their beautiful home with a gaming system, backyard pool, and rec center down the street?"

The insecurities pop up at odd times and I find myself wishing this boy (who I could not wait to have a little break from just yesterday) would be home right now and with me. 

He is my absolute heart, like all of my kids are.

So how is it going really?

I have laughed so much in the past two weeks and delighted in my family of 7 and all my children's quirky personalities.

I have yelled and I have cried, and may have slammed a door or two.

I smile a lot more than I think I used to.  

I have glared at lots of strangers who literally walk over and stare at us, saying nothing.

I am drained and dehydrated. 

But I am so incredibly happy that we have done this, five times.

Our house is busting at the seems.

It is small and crowded but filled with so much love and acceptance.

My happy smiling children are proof that we have something wonderful to offer, 

I  pray that it will be enough for all of them.