Icecream and Integration

Today I had an interesting moment with my daughter and it sparked some research of my own that I wanted to share.

After preschool, we had about a half an hour before we needed to be at the other kids school for pickup. Since today was her birthday, I thought I would take her to Dairy Queen for icecream. 

We sat at a booth and I looked over her head to a large wall size poster showing off one of the first Dairy Queen's in Hot Springs, Arkansas. I noticed that the black and white photos featured scores of people lined up for their first taste of vanilla goodness. 

What I also noticed was that every single person in line was white. 

I squinted and saw the date:

1952.

Well, that explains it. Integration hadn't occured yet.

I frowned and looked down at my brown skinned daughter happily lapping up her oreo blizzard and feeding me bites in between. 

As we shared a booth. 

It did not pass by me that had I been a 34 year old mother in 1952...

this scene playing out before me, would have never taken place.

She wouldn't be allowed to be my daughter.

And we certainly wouldn't be enjoying Dairy Queen together.

Often times, we as white people are able to go about our days and weeks not ever thinking of how it was and how it could have been without the Civil Rights Movement. 

Sure, we give a nod to it every January around the 21st.

And sometimes we might seek more info a few weeks later during Black History Month.

But how often do we let it really sink in that the life we live as an interracial family is one that could not have existed as it is just 50 years ago. Ice cream at a Dairy Queen was ordered at the "Whites Only" and "Colored Only" windows. 

And if you dare mix it up and try to make a statement...you suffered.

We have heard of people like Rosa Parks and those who fought for racial equality in the 60's. 

But have you heard of Patricia Stephens Due?

Me neither.

And yet, her life was a fascinating one. 

Utterly devoted to making the world a better place for 
people of all colors and nationalities.

You can read about her and the time she defied Jim Crow laws at her local Dairy Queen, here. 

I know that I will never take for granted the fact that I can enjoy my daughter's favorite treat, sitting with her in the same booth.

I will never take for granted the brave Americans who walked before me in a country where things were very, very different. And that through personal persecution and sacrifice, paved a way for me in the year 2013 to be the mother to 4 black children. 

I hope every time you dip your spoon into a Blizzard, you will be reminded of these historical heroes too.

The Moral Leader of Our Nation

Adopting An Older Child

When we made the decision to welcome K home as our son, it was not something we jumped into lightly. God had been preparing our hearts for two years for this particular child as we built a relationship of trust with he and his brother, and fell in love with them both as our family members.

If you had asked me, I would have said we would never adopt out of birth order and that we would never adopt a teenager...certainly not while all of our kids are young. We have all heard too many stories of kids who are so wounded that they just cannot function in a family. And we did not want to risk shaking up the stability our children had because we had some kind of bleeding heart for kids who age out of the foster care system...although it is true that we do. 

We have found with our own journey through fostering, that no...love is not enough to heal all wounds. 

And that we can never be good enough parents to take on this kind of challenge. There are not enough classes that can be taken or books that can be read to prepare you for the day when you go head to head with your teenager and both of your sin natures flare up.

Surely God would never call us to this kind of challenge.

But He did.

And through the very real prescence of the Holy Spirit in our lives and as Jesus is Lord of our marriage and home, we have been able to navigate these scary waters and continue to come out the other end farely unscathed. What used to rattle me with K's behaviors, now sends me into action mode. Sometimes action with a teen means choose your battles...do not confront where a confrontation is not needed, and give them space to be mad.

Sometimes it means looking them in the eye and saying, "do as I tell you to do," knowing that they will do it with a big 'ol attitude and that it is not the end of the world.

Sometimes it means they get left out of fun family time because they have chosen to be miserable.

Our biggest parenting strategy with K has been to build up all of the family bonding moments he missed. This means meals together every night at the kitchen table. Movie nights at home and fun events out. Board games with Mom and Dad after all the little kids are in bed. Pancakes on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoon football on TV. 

Yes, football. 

In this family. 

Can you believe it?

Lots and lots of laughter and playing and bonding.

Because he has missed so much.

The other night we ate pizza in the living room put Peter Pan in. 

The newest live action version.

K asked questions like, "What is a lost boy? Where is Neverland? " and laughed at all the predictable parts. 

I mumbled to Billy, "lost childhood." 

He nodded.

K overheard and said, "I didn't grow up watching these kinds of movies, guys."

We know son.

One day he asked if he could go to a schoolmate's house a couple streets over. I said yes, but that I would need to walk him there to see the house and meet the parents. I am glad I did, cause there was some shady stuff I saw that I later addressed with him... he was quite annoyed that I had to go do that. 

Tough, I said to myself.

A week later he wanted to go to a different friend's house in the neighborhood. I told him he would need to text dad the address of the house. I could tell he was annoyed that we are so up in his business. Later he brought it up and said he understood why I wanted the address, "but I didn't grow up with anyone caring where I went or when I would be back."

We know son.

I have joined the basketball booster club at his school.

He was surprised to see that I will be volunteering at the concession stands, that some of his teammates already know me and hug me when they see me...and that yes...one of us will always be at his away games.

"All of them?" he asked. "No one came to my games before."

We know son.

He often looses things and misplaces stuff and is all around irresponsible with his possessions. One day he told us, "I'm just not used to having so many things to keep up with."

K always has all kinds of ailments that require me to nurture and baby him. I have never been around a bigger whiner...well except myself, of course. But I know what it is like to not have my needs for affection and attention met growing up...so I indulge him. 

Sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like he will literally suck the life out of me.

But when I hear his laughter and see him relaxed and taking over the entire living room with all of his things and helping his brother with his homework and dressing his baby sister before church...I know this is the place he has always belonged. 

He was missing and we didn't even know it. 

He told me that foster care felt like a holding place from his first home to here. And that he felt lost. I smiled to know that he is now found. I was also happy to hear that he put us in the same category as his birthfamily.

We are all his, regardless of when we came into his life.

He has decided to take our last name at adoption finalization, which will hopefully happen within a week of him turning 16.

He has decided to take Billy's father's name as his middle name.

He was very excited about that.

He has claimed us.

He is ours and we are his.

And I swell with pride at the honor it is to his grandfather for him to take the family name passed down from generations at the age of 16 years old.

He is our last child. But he is our first born son.

It seems fitting.

It is a beautiful picture of how at conversion, we took our Father's name in the family of God.

Beloved sons and daughters. 

Chosen, wanted, sacrificed for, saved from a lost world.

Our Father prepares a place for us even now, 

as we have for our children.

To bring them home.

Nothing about adopting an older child is easy.

But I have to say I believe it is the greatest thing I have done in my life. I am proud to be each one of my children's mother...but this endeavor, this step out on a big leap of faith, with all of its challenges and changes... continues to bring me some of my greatest life joy.

Just When You Think Your Family Is Complete

We are thrilled to announce to all of you that Billy and I are adding

 another member to our family! 

In case you are counting, that will make five kids.

5 kids. 

Wow. I have had to let that sink in a little bit.

 That's right, we are adopting again and this time:

It's A Boy! 

However, this son will not be wearing this:

He will be wearing this:

 

Our new son is 15 years old and is a HUGE Dallas Cowboys fan. We are so excited to welcome home our boys' biological cousin "K" sometime this summer.

 He has been in foster care for 2 years, entering the system on the same day that Jayden did. K recently became free for adoption. His foster home busted up and he is in a temporary home for now. 

When contacted by CPS about his current circumstance, I told his worker that he will not become another statistic of kids who age out of the foster care system and end up homeless or in prison.

 Not my child. 

I explained we love K very much and want the best for him. He has been a part of our family for awhile now, and we would be honored to make him officially our son forever. I told her that despite all of my dreams and plans, God chose to bring two of my babies home as newborns, two as toddlers, and now one as a teen. HIS plan has always been far greater and more fulfilling than anything I could have come up with. She said that hearing that lifted a huge weight off of her shoulders about what would become of this spectacular kid.

We thought we were going to have to become foster parents to get him and just received GREAT news from CPS that we can welcome him home as a straight adoption and not have to do any of the arduous and time consuming training and inspections that come with foster care licensing. We hope to have our paperwork, finger prints, and home study completed and submitted to bring K home mid to late July. We talk to him on the phone weekly and have to assure him often that we are in fact going to do this and will not let him down.

K will be entering his sophomore year in the fall at the highschool that is literally two streets away from our house. He wants to try out for football and basketball. He is an A/B student, very responsible. I told him that he will have to get used to having a Mom that is all kinds of up in his business! He laughed at that. 

As far as his brother, "T"...we have been in contact with some sweet, sweet friends from church who are currently licensed foster parents. They are feeling called to adopt T as their child. He will be the oldest of three in their family, and their first adoption. We think that is fantastic!!! He will have his own bedroom and be only about 10 minutes from us. They live right by the middle school and are very close friends to several families with boys just his age and grade. We will see him every Sunday at church, during Youth Group meetings, and family fun events. We will be able to have sleepovers and have him be so much more a part of our life and family than he has been.

 They have already begun to prepare his place in their home and are so excited to have him as their very own. His new Mama is just anxious and biting at the bit to get her boy! I couldn't be more thankful to God for providing in abundance for him. Nothing is set, but we are praying CPS will choose them as his forever family and bring their son home before his 12th birthday on June 22nd. 

Please join us in praying for these boys. They are just fantastic kids and the joy of my heart. I cannot wait to see how God unfolds this chapter in their lives. I suspect it will be the very best one yet.

Have You Noticed My Kids Are Black?

I interrupt my scheduled programming of Baby Jasmine Is About To Be One posts because today is THE day that this has to be said. Those of you long time readers of my blog and any of you who follow me on Facebook know that I am passionate, passionate about race issues. I have blogged at length before on this topic as can be read here if you scroll past Jasmine and her hair!

So...if you are reading this from the U.S., you have to have heard about the murder of Trayvon Martin. Shot and killed in February because he was walking to a friends house at night, alone, unarmed, with nothing on him but an iced tea and some candy. Why was he killed? Because he was seen as a threat to a man on neighborhood watch.
Why would a teenager minding his own business be seen as a threat many have wondered.

Trayvon Martin is a black male.
Who wore a hoodie and walked alone in the dark.

That is why he was seen as a threat.
Period.

This story has been ALL over the news, our president even weighed in on the tragedy. Over 2 million signatures have made the petition to have Trayvon's killer arrested...the most in the website change.org's history. That's right... this man who stole a teenager's life away has not been arrested yet because of the deep seeded racism that prevails.
You can sign the petition to assure that happens here.

I believe he WILL be arrested and prosecuted.

But what does this have to do with any of us? Kids are killed all the time in gang violence and other means, why has this "random black boy's" death been so impactful to so many people? I wondered that myself. But I know God's hand must be upon the media attention this has brought about. There is something brewing that has got to come from all of this.

It is a fact that this story has particularly taken the adoption blogging world by storm.

And that is where I come in.

Like thousands of families in this country, my sons...
my precious boys look like this:
Adorable, aren't they?
Everyone thinks so.

But one day these precious boys will be looked at with suspicious eyes.
Their presence will no longer light up a room of white faces when they enter, but will suck the air out of it.

Adults and children alike will divert their eyes and cross the street when they come walking down it. When they go into a store, they will be followed sometimes. When they are pulled over by a police officer for running a stop sign, they will not be given a routine ticket and told to "have a nice day"...they will be suspected of having drugs or weapons in the vehicle. In a job interview, they may be suspected as having a felony. If they raise their voice or get angry as everyone does, they will be seen as a stereotype. And it won't matter what they are wearing or what they are driving, or what college education they have acquired.

OR even that their momma and daddy are white.

Why is this so?

Because both of my sons will be viewed as the biggest threat to upper class white society.

A big black man.


I have talked about white privilege before here.
And I had a few hateful commenters that tried to deny that this existed, even a blog stalker who left the worst racial slurs in comments. Thankfully I tracked down who she was and where she lived and contacted her. I have not heard from her since.

I said to her and I will say it again, that under NO circumstance will I ever again publish those on my blog...so take your bigotry somewhere else.

What I will do is give you this to read.
This is a blog written by a black dad who knows he will have to teach his five year old son very soon about how society will view him one day...and how he is to behave accordingly. It was very eye opening for me to read. I also once again have to commend the popular author, speaker, and blogger, Jen Hatmaker for her incredibly poignant blog on this topic where she writes an open letter to Trayvon's Mama. It is moving beyond words. I wanted to capture some of it here for those of you who won't take the time to go over there to read it:

Jen Hatmaker says,

"I nonchalantly enjoyed my white privileges my entire adult life, one of those people who said “racism is dying” and “things are different now” and “we’re colorblind” and casual ignorance like that...

But then we decided to adopt two children from Ethiopia, and in November 2010, as I was shopping for their very first care package to send over, I was standing in the middle of the Target toy aisle, and I sent out this SOS text:

Where are all the black baby dolls?

I sat down in the middle of Target and cried my eyes out.

How did I never notice this? How was this my first sense of outrage over this discrepancy? How could I have yammered about the end of racism and “a fair system” when evidence to the contrary was staring me in the face every single day?

I never understood the systemic racism that persists in this country, because I didn’t have to. The system is structured to grant me privileges and power through no merit of my own; simply by virtue of my skin color. This same system denies and protects this oppressive hierarchy, conditioning white people to not even see it.

I casually consumed my white privileges – these unearned assets that granted me the benefit of the doubt and free passes and guaranteed security and permanent insider status – assuming that anyone else, anyone, could enjoy these same advantages by making good choices and working hard.

But it is simply not true, because the same system that keeps me on top keeps you on bottom.

Please know that as for me, I promise to do the hard work and ask the hard questions and enter the difficult places to turn the tides for my son and all the black sons, and I grieve that it is too late for yours. I hope the national outcry for Trayvon has comforted you; so many of us see him. We are hungry for a better world where our boys can walk down the street unafraid and unfeared.

Please accept my hand; I stand with you, two moms demanding more for our sons. I am sorry you’ve lost Trayvon, my sister. I’m so very sorry. May his legacy help us move into a wider space together, tearing down walls and stereotypes and fear and building communities where we truly love our neighbor once again."

Please go to her blog and read it in it's entirety.

~Jen Hatmaker has once again put incredible words to what all of us white moms of black kids have felt and are feeling in the face of this tragedy.

We cannot turn a blind eye to this anymore.
We can't.

We are ALL of us responsible for how this is going to change things moving forward, and I believe it will. I do not naively believe that Trayvon's life lost will thereby make my sons' lives more safe. No. That will not happen. But I do believe that his life and legacy will open BIG doors of conversation for this nation to begin to have about the realities of racism and stereotypes and freedoms that some are given naturally and others are denied simply due to their skin pigmentation. Education brings awareness.

And awareness brings on change.

THIS is a conversation we all need to have.

Will you join with me in discussing this?
So many white people avoid race talk in an attempt to come across as tolerant.

We don't need tolerance, we need education!
If you spend anytime with me you will soon hear issues of race quickly come up in conversation and it is okay to join in. PLEASE join in. Please show me that my kids matter.

Please acknowledge that they are indeed black. It is okay. Because they are.
Please do not say foolish things like we are all the same in the sight of God and race doesn't matter or I will rightly question that you do not understand the beauty of God's choice in the creation made in His image. I will not call them cute little names like "chocolate" or refer to them as my "brown kids" in an attempt to dial down their "blackness".

They are African Americans.
They are Black Americans.

Please do not act like their blackness is something to be overcome or ignored.
Society will not ignore them.

And that lately has become my biggest fear.

When I sent my tiny son off to the school bus this morning and watched him scamper across the street, I prayed that no one would illegally come whipping around the bus (as a car did a few weeks ago) and hit my baby. I prayed that the bus driver would smile at him and that the kids would want to sit by him. And I choked up when I waved goodbye.

Because I can't protect them from being black.

I can't.

But I can pray. And I can speak out on these issues and hope that my words and story will make a difference in someone's heart who may not have thought about it that way before. So I will SPEAK UP and I will PRAY HARD.

I will pray that my precious boys will not share the same fate as another mom's son did because of skin color.

That is what I can do.

What will YOU do?

God Blessed The Broken Road

In just 5 days, this little guy will be legally free for adoption in the State of Texas.

Yesterday his caseworker brought us his file which is a stack of hundreds of papers...everything ever written or documented about him and all members of his birthfamily. I stayed up past midnight reading it and only got half way. Some of it reads as a narrative...On this date this allegedly happened, this person said this, this cousin or uncle was here or there. It is like J is not a person, but a player in a grand play where he is the one who gets the short end of the stick. Reading about the events that transpired that led he and the three brothers that came before him to in some way or another be raised by other people, was disheartening even though I knew alot of it already because it was also in Isaac's file. The most difficult thing to read is all the times CPS came to the home in J's little life, but each time chose not to remove him. The allegations of neglect and abuse when he was 8 months old, 15 months old, 2 years old....and how it was determined everytime that he was at "significant risk" in the home...but apparently not enough to be removed.

Reading this, I thought about our own timeline. Where were we when my son was 8 months old and I didn't even know he existed? What would have happened had CPS gained custody of him at birth? And it all leads me back to the same conclusion that he may have been placed with a foster family and not us had he been given a different caseworker than the one he had. That if J had come home any earlier than July 28, 2010....Jasmine would not be ours because we likely would have stopped with 3 kids, due to the expense of private adoption. What would have happened if at any point on this journey of life, I had gotten pregnant and given birth. I know for a fact if that had happened, some of the 4 children who are my very heartbeat would not be mine.

It leads me back to the conclusion that my body's brokenness was ALL a part of God's grander plan for every single member of my family. My empty womb opened up a place in my heart and home for the very children God had chosen. That this baby boy had to live in that broken home for 2 years and 6 months to be given the opportunity to be with us forever.

The Rascal Flatts song, Broken Road comes to mind as I contemplate these things...for myself and for my youngest son.


Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true...

This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you



To my precious children, those who have been adopted by us and those who will be very, very soon.

God blessed my broken road
That led me straight to you.

Jasmine Is 3 Months Old!

Awww...look at our baby girl growing up right in front of our eyes!! 3 months old is such a milestone! This is the month she will likely roll over, grab toys and bring them to her mouth, she may start sleeping longer stretches at night, she may officially move from a 4 ounce bottle to a 6 ounce bottle...we will see!!

She has really been enjoying these fists and her little baby dolls. Drooling on bald heads is SO much fun! P.S. I am always on the lookout for low price black baby dolls (i.e. no shipping), so let me know what you find!

So in honor of our little darling turning 3 months and having a full head of hair, I thought ya'll might enjoy a HAIR post!!

As you can see the Good Lord has given us much to work with.

My blog friend, Lane from Colorado sent Jasmine bottles of hair products she had tried and no longer used on her daughter. Many of them are practically full bottles!!! Thank you so much, Lane! I have been using the It's a Curl shampoo and conditioner. Nice stuff so far.


I spent Jasmine's first couple of months polling just about every African American mom with a baby daughter that I came across as to when they started to "do" their daughter's hair. I was interested in this information because 1) I am very aware that putting bands in your child's hair can lead to breakage and hair loss so of course you would not want to do that to pretty baby hair too soon BUT 2) the fact that my baby was already sporting a luscious amount of hair made me feel a bit self conscience about taking her out into the world all wild and crazy-like. Most of these moms said between 4-6 months old. They were all quick to point out though that their daughters did not have a full head of curls like Jasmine. I have come to notice that lots of African American girls have straight baby hair for awhile and then their curls form later in infancy. Also, bald patches and hair loss can be very common. Well so far, as you can see, we have not had any of those issues.
In anticipation of the fact that I would likely choose to do my baby's hair well before that 4 month mark due to the a fore mentioned full head of hair and due to the fact that it is important to begin to toughen your curly-headed child's scalp early so they can tolerate a lifetime of hair care (I started doing Vivi's hair at 3 months), I began to assemble my arsenal of hair care items and began my research on great blogs like, Chocolate Hair Vanilla Care .

And Happy Girl Hair ...while also getting style ideas from my friend's blog, Belle's Curls.

So currently this is where we are at!
(**Safety note, I do not leave her unattended in the Bumbo on a table, I promise!)
We have our wide tooth and fine tooth combs, in her signature color Royal Purple. ;)
We also have her pink caboodle (remember those!) filled with headbands and bows, soft fabric hair bands, a baby brush, and barrettes.



Because of her age, I have chosen not to use hair products but instead use Jojoba oil to soften her hair and moisturize her scalp and dry skin (like her ankles). I also use a spray bottle of distilled water that I will eventually mix the oil into when her hair becomes dryer.

The only style I do because of length are the puffs. This requires gently detangling the whole head with water, a bit of oil, and the wide tooth comb. Then I part it with the fine tooth comb.

At that point I decide on how many puffs her hair will need and part it accordingly as I go. As I gather the hair I need to put in a puff, I use the baby comb to flatten the curls into an upward motion. When she is older I will use a Boar's Head Brush like I use on the boys.

She does not cry about having her hair done, but will get watery eyes because of the gentle pulling, so her pacifier is a must for her comfort!

When it is done. I run my Jojoba oiled finger over all the parts to keep her head flake free!


And there ya have it!! The sides pull out by mid day so I typically just do her hair for our first outing and then pull them out by naptime. I have done her hair like this half a dozen times now and have had no hair loss or bald patches, so so far so good!

I hope you are less intimidated about doing your daughter's hair. Obviously this is so simple and I have SO much to learn about length and tangles and braids and beading and "co-washing" and sand and swimming and silk bedtime caps...whew! Are you sweating yet? Cause I am! But I am so very grateful for those white mama's who have paved the way for me with their brown baby girls and have taken the time to blog about it!!
If they can do it...we ALL can do it!!


My recommendation...do NOT wait until your baby is one or two to start doing their hair. Bad things have gone down with little girls who had not been trained and had their head toughened. Your African American daughter's reality is, she WILL have to have her hair done, for the rest of her life. And it does take lots of time and attention the longer it gets. But be sure to keep in mind your infant's hair texture before messing with it too much. You do not want to pull and tug on thin, fine hair. It will result in hair loss.

I will continue to blog about Jasmine's hair as life goes on and the length affords us new opportunities. I wanted to end by sharing this beautiful little picture montage that my friend Debbie did in reference to her daughter's hair. Thing of Beauty.

Jasmine's First Hair Style

The baby got her first "do" today. She didn't fuss at all which was a real surprise because I don't comb it very often since the curls are so tight...I don't want to pull out any of her sweet, soft baby hair!

The kids were very excited as I began. The Bumbo chair was a lifesaver because it sat her upright. I used a tad bit of Carol's Daughters Hair Milk on the hair ends itself, not the scalp because she is too young for product and could have a reaction. The hair bands are soft all over with very little elastic, so even though they slipped out plenty throughout the day, I didn't have to worry about hair breakage.

Here is a photo to show you how long her hair has gotten, and this is not even picked out all the way! I am on the hunt for very tiny colored fabric hair ties. These were too big and had to be wrapped too many times, making her a bit cranky by the end of the day when I had to redo the do so many times! It was such a fun moment to be able to do my baby girl's hair!

more food for thought....

Dark Girls Documentary Preview

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

Sweet Cheeks is 2 months old!

Jasmine's dr.'s appt. was today. She now weighs 9 lbs. and 10 ounces and she is 21 inches long! The nurse could not believe how much she has grown since she was there at 2 weeks old. I told her that she does not miss a meal!
She is cranky today because of her 3 shots so she took her photos with her pacifier.
I can officially say that after 2 months, the shock is finally wearing off!

She came home so fast with us not knowing if we would have a girl or a boy and when or what beautiful color our baby would be... that it has taken some time for me to stop thinking..."pinch me, am I really the Mama to an adorable black newborn baby girl?! and do I really have four kids? How did that happen?"

That is a blogpost for another day!

I don't know if it is because my boys were never babies in my home, or because I was very much expecting this baby to be a boy too...but I sometimes forget in a way that I have an African American daughter. I don't forget she is black or that she is mine...but just the concept. For instance, I was thinking that Vivi's dollhouse she is growing out of can be moved to Jasmine's room someday but then it occurred to me that the family in that dollhouse is white (we had debated getting the one with the black family but didn't), so now I am hoping I can just order the black family so we can mix and match our family members up a little bit in there! Also, at Christmas I have not focused much on searching for black images like angels because they were girls and I had boys...but now I will! Also, when we look at toys at the store it is even more blaringly obvious to me that no black faces greet me on the doll aisle.

My sweet friend Kimberly who is Creole and was raised in New Orleans sent me the preview to a documentary called "Dark Girls" which talks about the discrimination found within the black community from light skinned African Americans to dark skinned. It gave the example of Beyonce looking more and more white with her recent skin bleaching and blonde hair...the standard of beauty in this country. These kinds of issues didn't occur to me as much as the mother of boys...but now, as the mother of a dark chocolate skinned baby girl... it does.
As it should.

I have been questioned before about why we choose to focus so much on race. "What does it matter, we are all the same?" people have said. "Why bring it up? You are just teaching your kids to see color" I have also been told. Well...I do talk about it alot, yes. That is no secret. And the reason is because I believe it very much does matter. You see...we as White Americans can live in our "colorblind" world because we always have. We are not judged by the color of our skin. We are not discriminated against when we go shopping in a store. We do not have trouble finding Dr's and dentists and hairstylists of our same race. But some Black Americans do.

One does not teach kids to see color, they just see it. So to not talk about it serves no one. Maybe we air on the side of not making people uncomfortable, but that is not my goal. My goal is to make sure that my kids are always comfortable talking about it. So we dialogue, and we explore, and we learn about race relevant issues, and we educate ourselves about the history of blacks in America. And my kids will always know that, yes, of course I cannot understand firsthand what they go through out there, but I can listen and empathize, and be a place of advice and encouragement and information. Yes, white America...people DO still believe that those with lighter skin are superior to those with darker. It is true! And for those who do not proclaim that so loudly as others, the standard of beauty being light skinned, thin, and blonde is still very much there in the recesses of their subconscious. The idea of beauty was not such a concern to me before because I believe Vivi will easily be accepted into the gorgeous subcategory of society...she already is! But for Jasmine....she will have a bigger ladder to climb. And I hate that for her. I want her to be able to step out with a proud smile on her face knowing how fabulous she is. I am more sensitive to comments like "She is so dark already" and "look at all that hair! Wow!". These bother me because she is a girl. With boys, the comments that come natural to people focus on athletic prowess, height and weight, intelligence. With girls...it is appearance. White, black, brown...if you are a girl, you will have people focus on your appearance. It is just the way it is. I am not going to be able to change it. But I can be aware. I can seek information. I can be an advocate on behalf of my daughters.

So for as much as I can know, I will. And for as much as I can do on her behalf, I will. As much as I can set her up for success, I will. She is my precious brown skinned beauty. But most importantly, she is God's precious brown skinned beauty and that alone is where her worth will lie.

Finding Dolls Who Match Our Children...

If you have known me for any number of years, you know that finding dolls and toys that match my children has been a real passion of mine....and sadly this has not been an easy task! It is so important to me because children identify with their environment, and it is a fact that much of what they see is light skinned. Action figures are white, characters in books are white, greeting cards feature white children, television shows cast white people in the lead rolls. It is a small gesture for us as parents to be intentional about those things we choose to bring into our homes. I have told the story before of how years ago, right before Isaac was to join our family, I went to a popular toy store searching for a black baby doll. I chose the location of this store hoping I would have a variety of dolls to choose from. The entire staff at the store was African Amerian and yet the entire doll aisle was filled with white babies. I asked an employee, "where are the black dolls?" and she looked on each shelf thinking surely there would be one...to no avail. We both shook our heads at the perplexity of this and I left the store without my doll.

This took me to the internet where I came across a wonderful company called The Pattycake doll company. This website features categories of dolls based on ethnicity, special needs, and even dolls for boys! This doll is called Baby Bottoms and he is the one I purchased for Isaac way back when he was a toddler! And this little doll that is now for Jasmine, I purchased from The Pattycake Doll Co. years ago as well. (they no longer sell this exact one) It was made to be safe for infants.

So when it was time to buy Vivi some dolls, you know where I went!

Vivi has this caramel skinned beauty that she got for her first Christmas.And for her first birthday, this little soft bodied cutie who comes complete with a hospital bracelet!

Vivi also owns this set of wooden paper dolls and outfits, which we love!

I LOVE The Pattycake Doll Company and that is why I am SO thrilled to announce that in honor of Jasmine's birth, they are offering a DOLL BLOG GIVEAWAY to my readers!!!

www.PattycakeDoll.com has just been awarded two HowtoLearn.com top 101 sites awards, one as Top 101 Educational sites and another a month later as Top 101 Special needs sites. I also want to point out that this company's products can be purchased at www.SleepySoft.com (dolls), www.MyAdoptedChild.com (announcements and invitations), and www.Booksanddolls.com.

To be entered in the DOLL GIVEAWAY (giveaway doll to be chosen by the company), you must go to their site and check out the wonderful selection (over 175 dolls) that they offer! Then come back here and leave a comment with your honest feedback about the website and which doll(s) you would personally purchase for a child in your life. I will be using Random.org to generate a random drawing of commenters and announce the winner here on Friday! You do not have to have a blog account to enter and you do not need to leave your email address, but DO come back here to see if you won and contact me via laurieandvivi@yahoo.com within 48 hours or I will choose another winner.

Pattycake dolls are the perfect gift for your own child's birthday or adoption day. They also make a wonderful gift for a friend or family's child. And don't forget they also sell dolls for children with special needs, dolls for infants and toddlers, potty dolls, AND boy dolls! I think every single child should own a doll from the Pattycake doll company.

We will continue to be customers for years to come!

"When all God's children can work together, pray together, struggle together, and stand up for freedom together...If America is to be a great nation, this must become true."

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I Have A Dream...

"I have a dream that one

day little black boys and girls will be holding hands

with little white boys and girls as sisters and brothers."

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The Controversy

I have been getting messages from people who were not aware of my "blog controversy" earlier in the week, so I wanted to clear the air for anyone coming over here who may be lost! On Monday, I posted about my son Isaac being called a monkey at school. Scroll down past my silly sweet potato post to see. It so happened to correspond with another mom posting photos of her African adopted baby in a monkey Halloween costume. This mom was completely unaware of the racial implications of doing so. It stirred up some controversy on her end, and then women defending a mom's right to do that came over here and started up stuff in my comments section. Now I don't normally have to deal with that, so I was glad to have a reason why this was suddenly coming about. I contacted that mom via email to clear the air that our posts were unrelated to one another. Well, since then, it has really opened the door to some healthy (and not so healthy) dialogue about race and our responsibility as white moms parenting black kids. I have LOVED the discussion. I have not loved having my comment box flooded with racial slurs about my kids, but that is where the delete button comes into play.

(**I took the other blogs down I had previously posted, because I did not want the racist harrassment I have been receiving to be passed on to them. I got comments with the worst racial slurs one could say, and therefor have disabled anonymous commenters from my blog. I will not give voice to that kind of hate. If my children have to hear this trash to their face one day, I can put up with a couple of days of cyber bullying, but it is time to move on. It did not anger me like they intended it would, it made me very sad for their soul.)

I think this is such an important topic for those of us in the adoption community to read about and ponder, that is why I am focusing so much time on it. And I cannot say this will be my last post on the subject because it is not my first! It is essential that we stay on top of these things, educate ourselves about racial issues before our kids come home and continue to read up and talk to people for the rest of our lives. We all will make mistakes in our judgement, there is room for that. It is when we are informed and learn from it, that real change takes place, and our kids reap the benefits. I thank all of my blog commenters for your insightful words and encouragement.

I did want to point out that for those of you who read Adoptive Families Magazine, the October issue addresses many of the points we have been discussing. Page 14 poses a question to the expert, "We have always been 'color-blind' about race. Is this the best attitude for us?" The expert replies, "Years ago, we were taught that the best way to handle racial differences was to ignore them altogether. "Color-blindness" was considered open-minded in many social circles, including the adoption community. This misguided attitude was even popularized on a T-shirt that said, 'Love Sees No Color'. We have since learned that issues of race cannot and should not be ignored." The author of this article, Deborah Johnson explains these ideas in more detail here, www.adoptivefamilies.com/diversity. She goes on to say in this article, "Because it's socially accepted to proclaim yourself color-blind, prepare to be confronted by friends or family members. You may be told that you are focusing too much on differences and not enough on the "shared humanity" if us all. But if you do not talk with your children about race, who will, and how?"

I have been confronted by a family member about "making too much out of race" and told "we are all equal, it doesn't matter," Well I am sorry, it DOES matter. Especially since my African American children have a white mom and dad. The responsibility for us is all that much greater. That is why this has stirred up so much emotion in me and others. And it rightfully, should.

A Rebuttal To The Comment Criticism

My response can best be said in the words of the Civil Rights leader himself...

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

-Dr. Martin Luther King

If you really want to know my heart on this very important issue , and it IS important, READ HERE.

Please Don't Call My Son a Monkey...A Lesson on Racial Appropriateness in Kindergarten

Today we had a lesson in racial offensiveness.

Isaac told me this morning that two boys at school (good friends of his, not bullies in the least) called him "Monkey Boy". Some of you reading this may gasp, as I did. And others of you may think "So?" Which is why I write this post. Now, I do not believe these boys at 5 years old knew the racial implication of this name, nor did Isaac. But I do believe, and he did as well, that they chose this name because he has brown skin. Before I tell you what I chose to do about this, I want to address "why do anything at all?" You may yourself not know what the racist implication of this phrase is, but it is a long standing terminology that white people used to describe black people. And it IS offensive, whether meant to be or not. Here is a great blog post on this topic, where people have depicted Obama as a monkey. Please read it. It states far better than I can, why this is a racially offensive term and image. I especially like the quote they use that says,

"Because whether the racism comes from
ignorance and a lack of knowledge of
people who are different from you or a person had a run-in with a black person
that wasn't good, and then applies that to the whole race, its going to be very challenging for Americans to confront their stuff," ~Amy Alexander.

Now, how does this apply to little kids who don't know better? Well...the only way for us to become educated is to educate. And although it is not my place to educate another's child, I was able to use it as a way to educate mine. So I said to Isaac, "why do you think they called you that?" and he said "because I have brown skin." I then told him that the term "monkey" is offensive to African American people and that I do not want anyone to call him that. I said "Some people think it is funny to call African American's 'monkey' for several reasons, but it is not funny." I told him to tell his friends that they are not to ever call him or anyone with brown skin monkey and to let the teacher know. After school, I told his teacher. She responded in a way I hoped she would and agreed that it was not appropriate. I told her I don't want to make a big deal about it, but I did want her to know in case it ever came up in class. I explained that I know the children do not know what they are saying and that white families typically do not discuss race or racial offensive comments with their kids, but that our family does.

With the huge popularity in monkey apparel, it is increasingly hard to find things that do not have monkey images on them, especially in toddler sizes. But my boys have never and will never wear monkey clothes, no matter how cute they are. Again, read the blog above for an explanation. Caucasian children can be called "cute little monkey" all their parents want to...but please do not call my boys, monkeys.

A Little Something To Think About...

Awhile ago, I worked on a series of posts on the topic of Transracial Adoption. It is always on the forefront of my mind as our family cannot just blend in when we go out and about. I have recently been diving into a great blog written by John Raible, a biracial adoptee and fellow adoptive dad who has a series he has done called "Crash Course in Transracial Parenting." It is greatness. Here is the opening line to the series:

"Obtain a kid from overseas recently? Or still fantasizing about rescuing somebody's orphan? Perhaps you are in the process of saving one of those less expensive kids from foster care? Slow down, Partner!"
Ouch.
That is harsh, isn't it? But I think it is this kind of honest reflection and bluntness that is SO needed in today's adoption culture. He says that we are to be "allies in the joint struggle against racism and adoption reform." You have got to read his blog, watch the documentaries he recommends and has participated in (Especially First Person Plural...so eye opening), and begin to talk about these issues before you just jump right in to wanting to adopt one of those adorable chocolate colored kids. There is so much more to it...especially for those of you with one or more biological children who are caucasian. It is not enough to say love is all they need. Because it is not. Read my series linked at the top...but more importantly go read John's. His perspective is of one who has been there.