Adopting An Older Child

When we made the decision to welcome K home as our son, it was not something we jumped into lightly. God had been preparing our hearts for two years for this particular child as we built a relationship of trust with he and his brother, and fell in love with them both as our family members.

If you had asked me, I would have said we would never adopt out of birth order and that we would never adopt a teenager...certainly not while all of our kids are young. We have all heard too many stories of kids who are so wounded that they just cannot function in a family. And we did not want to risk shaking up the stability our children had because we had some kind of bleeding heart for kids who age out of the foster care system...although it is true that we do. 

We have found with our own journey through fostering, that no...love is not enough to heal all wounds. 

And that we can never be good enough parents to take on this kind of challenge. There are not enough classes that can be taken or books that can be read to prepare you for the day when you go head to head with your teenager and both of your sin natures flare up.

Surely God would never call us to this kind of challenge.

But He did.

And through the very real prescence of the Holy Spirit in our lives and as Jesus is Lord of our marriage and home, we have been able to navigate these scary waters and continue to come out the other end farely unscathed. What used to rattle me with K's behaviors, now sends me into action mode. Sometimes action with a teen means choose your battles...do not confront where a confrontation is not needed, and give them space to be mad.

Sometimes it means looking them in the eye and saying, "do as I tell you to do," knowing that they will do it with a big 'ol attitude and that it is not the end of the world.

Sometimes it means they get left out of fun family time because they have chosen to be miserable.

Our biggest parenting strategy with K has been to build up all of the family bonding moments he missed. This means meals together every night at the kitchen table. Movie nights at home and fun events out. Board games with Mom and Dad after all the little kids are in bed. Pancakes on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoon football on TV. 

Yes, football. 

In this family. 

Can you believe it?

Lots and lots of laughter and playing and bonding.

Because he has missed so much.

The other night we ate pizza in the living room put Peter Pan in. 

The newest live action version.

K asked questions like, "What is a lost boy? Where is Neverland? " and laughed at all the predictable parts. 

I mumbled to Billy, "lost childhood." 

He nodded.

K overheard and said, "I didn't grow up watching these kinds of movies, guys."

We know son.

One day he asked if he could go to a schoolmate's house a couple streets over. I said yes, but that I would need to walk him there to see the house and meet the parents. I am glad I did, cause there was some shady stuff I saw that I later addressed with him... he was quite annoyed that I had to go do that. 

Tough, I said to myself.

A week later he wanted to go to a different friend's house in the neighborhood. I told him he would need to text dad the address of the house. I could tell he was annoyed that we are so up in his business. Later he brought it up and said he understood why I wanted the address, "but I didn't grow up with anyone caring where I went or when I would be back."

We know son.

I have joined the basketball booster club at his school.

He was surprised to see that I will be volunteering at the concession stands, that some of his teammates already know me and hug me when they see me...and that yes...one of us will always be at his away games.

"All of them?" he asked. "No one came to my games before."

We know son.

He often looses things and misplaces stuff and is all around irresponsible with his possessions. One day he told us, "I'm just not used to having so many things to keep up with."

K always has all kinds of ailments that require me to nurture and baby him. I have never been around a bigger whiner...well except myself, of course. But I know what it is like to not have my needs for affection and attention met growing up...so I indulge him. 

Sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like he will literally suck the life out of me.

But when I hear his laughter and see him relaxed and taking over the entire living room with all of his things and helping his brother with his homework and dressing his baby sister before church...I know this is the place he has always belonged. 

He was missing and we didn't even know it. 

He told me that foster care felt like a holding place from his first home to here. And that he felt lost. I smiled to know that he is now found. I was also happy to hear that he put us in the same category as his birthfamily.

We are all his, regardless of when we came into his life.

He has decided to take our last name at adoption finalization, which will hopefully happen within a week of him turning 16.

He has decided to take Billy's father's name as his middle name.

He was very excited about that.

He has claimed us.

He is ours and we are his.

And I swell with pride at the honor it is to his grandfather for him to take the family name passed down from generations at the age of 16 years old.

He is our last child. But he is our first born son.

It seems fitting.

It is a beautiful picture of how at conversion, we took our Father's name in the family of God.

Beloved sons and daughters. 

Chosen, wanted, sacrificed for, saved from a lost world.

Our Father prepares a place for us even now, 

as we have for our children.

To bring them home.

Nothing about adopting an older child is easy.

But I have to say I believe it is the greatest thing I have done in my life. I am proud to be each one of my children's mother...but this endeavor, this step out on a big leap of faith, with all of its challenges and changes... continues to bring me some of my greatest life joy.