How Is It Really Going...Really

I know some of you have been wondering now that K has been in our home for two weeks, 

how is it really going with our older child adoptive placement?

My answer:

It is so much more fulfilling than I ever imagined it would be and it is so much more difficult than I thought it would be.

I actually had no expectations really, other than that he would play football (as he talked ALL the time about doing) do some chores, continue to be polite, and have fun with us.

What I didn't know would happen is:

1) He would quite football after just a few days of practice (his reasons are extensive and his personal business so I won't share them here).

2) He would fill me with so much joy when he began to call me Mom all the time within the first week.

3) That he would be so argumentative and teenage boy-ish with me, but not with Dad.

4)That he would get along with Vivi so well and begin to truly love and enjoy her company.

5) That he and Isaac would fight and fuss and annoy one another beyond my limits.

6)That he would eat less than I thought he would.

7) That he would drink WAY more than I was prepared for!

8)That he would complain about things I can not do anything about.

9)That he would want to be with me during every waking hour and want so many things...all the time.

10) That I would be so tired.

Now before you feel sorry for me and try to make claims about how he should be grateful for what he has been given and how dare he give me such mothering angst after all we have done for him...please remember that one does not expect a teen birthed by their parent to be grateful. 

It is their birthright to be given a bedroom and clothing and things they enjoy.

Teenagers are like toddlers~ egocentric.

And mine is no different just because he came to me later in life.

We are constantly talking about things like working hard for what you have, striving for excellence and not settling for mediocrity, being a person of integrity even when no one is looking, and be grateful for the Lord's provision. 

But do I want him to thank us?

 No. 

God did this and He deserves all the praise.

What I would like my son to do however, is to drop the attitude, look at the bright side of things, and make lemonade out of lemons. In a nutshell I just want him to be content.

I bet my Father wants me to do the same.

This child has taught me so much about the parent child relationship and has brought me to my knees in petition and prayer to my God. I believe my eldest son will go far in life. But I don't believe I have the skills to make that happen, I will take some credit for staying all up in his business...but in the end he is his own person with his own free will. 

His success will have to happen by the absolute grace of God interceding in His life.

But that is a tough concept to teach a child who thinks he is the greatest thing since Kobe Bryant.

And this experience has brought out so many insecurities in me.

Although I know K and I are very close as I always hoped we would be, he talks alot about his past and his "school" and "neighborhood". He is processing his losses and does not want to say goodbye to what was, regardless of the negative influence it had on his life. We visited birthfamily last weekend and although I was excited to meet the brother we never knew who is the spitting image of Jayden:

I was also feeling a bit territorial, wanting to tuck my oldest in a bubble where he can't be lied to or misled anymore or tempted. I want him to have birth family relationships but I wonder, at what cost?

You see with my other four, I don't feel competitive towards their first families because I know the bonds we have are deep and far transcend blood relationships. But with my oldest, we don't have the years on our side. We don't have the cuddling and closeness to fall back on. 

And I wonder if I let him go a little, will I one day loose him forever?

Will he always pine over what was and what could have been even if he knows that lifestyle was not in his best interest. Will I be able to say goodbye when it wasn't that long ago that I said hello. 

This is what I ponder when he talks about all the things he wishes he could do and the places he wishes he could go. 

And none of them involve me.

He went to his first sleepover last night and I can tell he has just had a blast. It is a friend of ours whose son is fabulous, and happens to live in K's old stomping grounds. K and he get along very well and I am so grateful for that relationship. But I did wonder, "Oh no. Will he have so much fun there that he won't want to come back here? Will he wish they had adopted him instead of us so he could attend his high school and be with his old friends? Will he think our humble home isn't good enough after relaxing in their beautiful home with a gaming system, backyard pool, and rec center down the street?"

The insecurities pop up at odd times and I find myself wishing this boy (who I could not wait to have a little break from just yesterday) would be home right now and with me. 

He is my absolute heart, like all of my kids are.

So how is it going really?

I have laughed so much in the past two weeks and delighted in my family of 7 and all my children's quirky personalities.

I have yelled and I have cried, and may have slammed a door or two.

I smile a lot more than I think I used to.  

I have glared at lots of strangers who literally walk over and stare at us, saying nothing.

I am drained and dehydrated. 

But I am so incredibly happy that we have done this, five times.

Our house is busting at the seems.

It is small and crowded but filled with so much love and acceptance.

My happy smiling children are proof that we have something wonderful to offer, 

I  pray that it will be enough for all of them.