Mother's Day is two days away.
Another year on our journey has gone by.
This month has been a whirlwind for our family. With Kieshun's graduation coming up and the end of the school year commitments piling up. We had our 12th anniversary which we didn't celebrate because we were at a college tour. And now Mother's Day is upon me and I feel like it is all passing me by.
People will say I must take a day for myself. Or a weekend getaway. But what they don't realize is that these are just band-aids on a very exhausting life that picks up the very moment I would return from my sabbatical.
This month has been full of disappointments.
I missed the memo that career day was today. When Vivi begged for me to come (as a preschool teacher)...I scrambled to get ready for it...just to find out you had to sign up to attend weeks ago. Lovely.
A morning wasted, but more importantly a disappointed daughter who will look all day for me to come.
It just feels like such a Mommy fail.
Earlier this week, I worked for 4 hours with my Mom to complete a senior poster tri-fold that Keishun's school has everyone display for the coming week for all to admire.
I was so proud of how it turned out.
Boom. Nailed it.
The first and only words out of his mouth were negative.
I just couldn't take it.
The tears burned my hot cheeks as I retreated to my bedroom.
The discouragement keeps coming.
I had an incident last week where I was scolded at the grocery store by the deli meat lady for Jasmine's hair looking a mess. "Who does her hair?" she demanded as I looked down at her fuzzy parts and tangled puffs and the heat flashed in my cheeks. I left quickly and cried all the way home.
God, will I ever be good enough?
I was too tired to take my child to football practice.
Fail.
I killed it on Teacher Appreciation gifts this week, even going with the Western theme the PTA set forth! I was so proud.
But then I forgot to dress them as cowboys and cowgirl.
Fail.
I don't keep up with the balance on the kid's lunch accounts, so sometimes they get stuck with cheese sandwiches.
Fail.
The kids and I loose library books and cost my husband in fees.
Fail.
I put clothes in the dryer that are dry clean only.
I never take time to vacuum the minivan and
trash pours out at carpool.
I don't read directions.
I thaw meat but forget to cook it before it expires.
I misplace my cell phone.
I don't pick up our prescriptions at the pharmacy in time.
I don't wipe the dogs paws when it has rained outside.
Sometimes the bath towels smell like mildew...and y'all know you can't get that smell out!
The tupperware cabinet and linen closet are embarrassing.
I forget to return calls and texts.
I get horribly overwhelmed by my responsibilities and my failures and I lament to God why He chose ME for this incredible life.
And then something really precious happens:
~The baby tells me I am her very best friend (aside from her imaginary friend, Bobby of course!)
~Isaac says he wishes all kids could grow up in a family like his.
~The boys still want me to tuck them in every night.
~Vivi's friends Moms tell me that I do the BEST parties and the girls won't stop talking about it.
~My teenager wants me to go with him to buy shoes.
And he uses his IHOP tip money to bring a snack to me at work.
Isaac convincingly tells me my burnt food is
the best he has ever had.
A friend sends me a text and says I am one
of the greatest moms she knows.
I get crazy encouragement sent my way on Facebook, sometimes from people I have never even met.
My parents keep my kids for 2 days while we are on the college tour and tell me, "They are really, really good kids. You should be proud." She knows the work it takes to make that happen.
Vivi tells me about all the drama at school in a hushed voice so only she and I can hear. I pray she will always do that.
Isaac's principal and coach tell me how phenomenal of a
person he is. Set apart from the rest.
Destined for greatness.
I know when my kids have misbehaved, or when the teen has done something shady. I just know it in my soul and I call them on it. Every. Single. Time.
I win the small battles so I will win the war.
Jasmine says "Mommy. I just want to be with you. To sleep in your bed and eat all the foods and go all the places with you."
***********
These moments keep me going into tomorrow, Y'all.
Without them I would surely give up.
I fail. A lot. And I have to get back in the game.
So many people are counting on me to keep my crap together.
And that responsibility overwhelms me.
When I have a quiet house like this one now, I reflect on the beauty of it all. And I am so grateful for the mess and fullness that is my life. One day it will be gone. That is not lost on me.
So Happy Mother's Day to you, my friends.
Whatever state of mind you may be in.
May we all pray that in the memory of our kids' childhoods, our Mommy Fails will be eclipsed by the radiance of all the things we did so very well.
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