Adventures in Bedtime As A Mother Of Four

Did y'all miss this series? I have explored Showering as a Mother of Four and Eating as a Mother of Four. Now on to that oh so precious commodity...SLEEP. If you are like me, you sometimes find yourself pining for the days when you could stay up to all odd hours and then sleep until lunchtime...at least on Saturdays, summer vacation, and holidays. Well...those of us with kids know those days are officially OVER. Because frankly by the time our kids are old enough to sleep in til noon themselves, we will be older and older people don't sleep in. I don't know why, but they don't. Some of you may be thinking "My kids sleep from 8:00 p.m. until 8:00 a.m...I have never gotten more sleep in my life!" But for the rest of us...this is for you!

Let us start with the evening. If you are a stay at home mom with any sense of sanity, your kids have a bedtime. You brush their teeth, read them books, say their prayers and tuck their sweet little hineys into their adorably arranged bedrooms... thinking you will close the door with a smile on every one's face and not see these little darlings until sun-up. If this is your dream, I am guessing that either a) you don't have any kids yet or b) you happened to be blessed with one of those rare infants that sleep well.

Reality is that you DO indeed have a bedtime in mind. The difference is, your kids do not. From the moment you announce "It's bedtime sweet children of mine! Let's go brush our teeth!!" you will then have to endure some whining, maybe some thrashing, definitely some bargaining "What?! But...but...we didn't get to do such and such....Moooommmm!!" Brushing their teeth could turn into feeding time at the zoo as you repeat "Open your mouth! Look up! No UP! Smile. No you are not done yet. Chewing on your toothbrush does NOT count!!!" And forget flossing. I mean really. Who has the energy for that after 13 hours spent with 4 kids. You instruct everyone to use the bathroom and FLUSH darn it... because you are so tired of flushing toilets you could scream!

Then into the bedroom you go hearing, "Mom will you read me this? The longest, most involved book on my bookshelf?" No, you say as you pull out a Mercer Mayer book and silently tell yourself to put the ginormous book into the garage sale pile...who gave that book to your child anyway? Surely some distant Aunt who knew she would not have to be here each night to read it! Moving on....so once the books have been read and the prayers (complete with giggles and noises and the glares that follow from you) have subsided. It is time to walk away. Right? No. It is time to answer the requests of "Can I have the flashlight? Where is my mouse stuffed animal? Is my good blanket in the wash? Mom! You know I have to have my blanket to sleep!!! It's too dark in here. It's too hot in here. I'm thirsty. Where are we going tomorrow?" You try to calmly answer all requests while inching your way out the door...finally closing it with a BIG sigh of relief.

All is quiet as you change into your pajamas, throw a load of laundry in the wash, mop up the lake of water in the bathroom from bath time. Sure, you have to go in a couple times when you hear fussing and say "what is your problem?" the answer is something like " I want Daddy...." Good Lord. But in general, things are going so well, you figure you can fix yourself a snack and watch Master Chef. Just as Gordon Ramsey is about to really lay into a competitor who had the audacity to cook a filet with a lighting torch...you hear a small, yet spookily close to your head, voice that makes you jump as though an intruder had entered the house..."Mommy. I have to go potty." What?!!! Didn't we go over all of our routine?! Ugggh. And they know this trumps ALL other delay tactics because no one wants to be changing bed sheets at 3 a.m. Ok...go potty. Flush the toilet and tuck yourself back in bed!

Finally, an hour or two of relief commences for the first time all day. When you head off to bed yourself after flushing all the toilets no one flushed in the last 3 hours...and finally collapse into the hope of sweet slumber....just beginning to drift off...the sudden and persistent sounds of the baby crying will suddenly jolt you awake. As you plod into the kitchen to make yet another midnight bottle, you come to the realization that you will. never. sleep. again. Welcome to motherhood with four.