Since welcoming our teenage son home from foster care, it has been obvious to us that we have been called to love in a way that will stretch us beyond our limits at times. The Biblical concept of loving the unlovable comes up often when my son's hurt and anger bubble to the surface and gush out like a volcano.
We usually have no warning it is coming.
Last night was one of these times.
I took Isaac to baseball practice and went to a park with my little ones to let them play. It happened to be that Keishun and two of his friends were on a basketball court nearby, playing a game with several guys they did not know. An altercation erupted and by the time I gathered the kids and quickly headed over there, pushing had happened and I cringed at hearing Keishun shout foul names and words at his closest friend and challenge him to fight. I broke it up by separating the boys and heard,
"You are lucky your Mama was here to save you!"
I guess he was...because Keishun later said, "I believe God put you there Mom at just the right moment.
Cause I was going to hit him hard."
Sigh.
What ensued was my whole night being taken up with discussions with the other boy's parents and then verbal fighting when I confronted my child on his behavior and told him he can't do these things and expect to keep friends. In a surprising turn of events, the friend walked to our house to make amends. I was very impressed and told him so. I told him that no one has done that for Keishun before. He is far too stubborn and prideful to ever do that for himself. I warned him that being my son's friend would come with a price. He would have to turn the other cheek. He might have to put up with behaviors he never would from another guy.
He would have to swallow his pride...because he cannot count on Keishun to do it. My mama heart grieved when he told me the other guys don't like my son because he runs his mouth all the time.
He told me he doesn't like him sometimes either.
But that he was there to set it right.
I asked him to make sure Keishun was worth it.
I told him that I hope very much that he is.
I said that I adore my child to the ends of the earth and back, but that we are dealing with a broken kid.
A boy programmed to fight at all costs.
Easily agitated. Extremely defensive.
A child whose entire life was taken from him at 13.
Whose childhood best friend whom he used to talk about all the time, was ripped from his life with no warning.
And he has never trusted another friend the same way again.
I teared up when I said, "I can't fix him."
Because, I can't.
And in the moments I shared in the backyard at dusk with the only true friend my child has right now in the whole world, a bond was forged.
A bond that said,
"Sweet friend...if you will have my son's back, I will have yours.
Let's do this thing together.
Because my trust is in the One who can fix him.
And I will stand in the gap between Keishun and a world that tells him he is just another angry black man when he does nothing to disprove that stereotype.
I will stand in the gap when my boy chooses loneliness time and again over relationships that are messy and painful.
With God as my strength when I am too weak to parent a child who requires my everything, I will bring together the pieces of his life that are broken. I can't make him new again, only Christ can. There will always be jagged pieces that don't quite fit back the way they once did. There will be a God sized hole until he surrenders his life to the only One who can fill it.
There is a song that has run through my head all these years since I became a mother to my first son from foster care:
Coldplay's "Fix You".
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you."
This child needs me in one way or another all the time. And that's not easy. Especially when I am also raising 4 little ones. Billy said our profile with the devil just went way up when we brought Keishun home. This is holy ground we have stepped upon and satan does not like that one bit.
Satan will discourage and distract us...
he will exhaust our souls.
He will feed lies into our hearts that things will never be any better.
That broken people cannot be fixed.
And we won't believe a word of it.
The Light of this world has guided this boy home.
And He will fix our son.
We know a man at church who grew up as a little black boy in the roughest part of the ghetto. He was a violent, angry man. He was a criminal. And our Lord changed Him dramatically.
He is now using his life story to help God fix youth facing the same kinds of obstacles.
We will be praying through asking him to mentor our boy.
In the meantime Billy and I are on our knees pleading for our son's safety and salvation as we pray for each one of our children. I am holding out for the day when we see before our very eyes, an unrepentant heart yield to his Savior.
I believe that day will come.
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