Living Entitlement Free

When we were in Florida, Billy and I spent an hour alone at a bookstore reading. I picked up some ADHD books, but this book caught my eye and within an hour I had devoured half of it. Here is a description written by the author I found online:

The Entitlement-Free Child is now available in bookstores everywhere. The stress of living in a "Me, Mine, Now" culture is high. Everyone's in a panic:

If I don't get what I want now, it won't be there for me later.
If you get yours before me, you might take too much.
If I wait, it won't be the same or feel as good.
What if you have something I don't have?
What if what you have is better than what I have?


Sounds like most two-year-olds! Parents have the power to change the entitlement culture by teaching young children entitlement-free values starting in early childhood.

The Entitlement-Free Child explains how we got here and how to move away from "Me, Mine, Now" thinking by teaching children how to be part of something bigger - a family, a school, a world.

Quick fixes won't work, neither does giving-in or buying-up.

This is the book for the new economy. Parents can no longer say "yes" to everything their children want and the old ways of trying to make kids happy by over-indulging them don't fit anymore (not that over-indulgence ever worked). With new limits on spending and cracks in the protective bubble, parents need new parenting strategies. This book gives parents step-by-step strategies for hundreds of real-life parenting challenges.


The only way to have "more" in life and give a child "more" is to make entitlement-free choices now:

-Eliminate the self-perpetuating stress of entitlement where nothing is ever enough
-Learn how and when to say "no" without debilitating guilt
-Teach children self respect and respect for others
-Teach children self control and postponed gratification
-Teach children age-appropriate problem solving skills
-Give children age-appropriate responsibility for choices and behavior

I have an example of the "nothing is ever enough" scenario:
I spent some time with a sweet 8 year old boy whom I just love. He had purchased a new toy and I said "Aren't you glad you found those at the store." He said "yeah, but after a day or so the excitement wears off and then I just want more." Wow. The fact that he could articulate this!! Then he went into explaining a new expensive personal video gaming system that would be "buying up" from the one he already has that actually still works great and has hundreds of dollars in games already collected for it.

Funny thing is, that these values start young! I had a friend email me and ask how to stop the whining with her toddler daughter. I told her that you have to nip whining in the bud EARLY. The best way I have found is to never honor a whiny request, along with rephrasing the request in a nice voice for the child. I have said "I don't know what you are saying, please ask me in a nice voice." If they continue to fuss I walk away. The key is consistency. You have to do it every time.

Another technique we use is that Vivi has always been demanding about getting a cup of milk after her nap. She has been known to fuss and whine for it and the moment she starts I leave the kitchen and say "Mommy will get your cup when you stop fussing for it." even if this will bring on a full tantrum. I resist the temptation to have the cup sitting on the counter for her when she gets up. I have seen this done with other children and it is never a good thing to start a young child out with a sense of entitlement. Believe me you will regret it when they turn 3 and 4. To me loving our kids means teaching them skills to understand dissapointment, delayed gratification, and other hard feelings. They do not need to have it NOW and should get used to that being how the world works. What they need is our prescence there as they go through those hard feelings to guide them and have compassion for how they feel not to bail them out by structuring the home environment to give in to their every whim and want. The world does not work that way. Children who are entitlement free view their world from a "You" perspective not a "Me" perspective. If your child has turned one, they are old enough for this type of parenting and believe me you will want to start this well before their second birthday.

One thing the book specifically said was for parents to not say "I'm sorry" about things you don't have control over. A popular parenting philosophy of our day has parents saying "I'm sorry you broke your toy." "I'm sorry you can't wear your rain coat today." "I'm sorry but I love you too much to argue". What are you sorry about? Sorry should be reserved for moments when you truly need to ask your child's forgiveness, not because it is raining outside and they missed a playdate. In that moment you could say "I am sad for you that you can't go to the beach today. I know you were really looking forward to that." This sympathizes with their dissappointment without taking the blame on yourself. I thought this made a lot of sense.

Here are some tips I found online:

Tips on raising well-adjusted, entitlement-free children:

*Emphasize the importance of family. No matter how far removed or alienated your kids may seem to be, it helps if they have a strong sense of family.

*Demonstrate unconditional love and balance. Strive to seek a healthy balance between being a child-centered family and a parent-focused family.

*Consciously define fundamental values. Actively educate children by pointing out and explaining interactions and behaviors. Use teachable moments with yourself, your child and others as examples.

*Constantly re-evaluate normalcy. Every once in a while, find a way to step back and gain the perspective you need to stay calm and resist getting swept up in doing something simply because most people are doing it.

*Practice active parenting. Kids need active parents to help them navigate their access to the world and excess of information and "things." Your strong presence attests to your love and helps you thwart the power of negative techno-social influences on your children.

*Model behavior consistent with moral character. Children will surprise you. Even when you think they are not paying attention, they are picking up on your most subtle traits.

*Keep pace with technology and the youth culture. Being complacent about the effects technology and culture have on your children is risky and dangerous. If you are lagging behind in the discussion, you are sure to fall behind in your parenting as well.

*Establish and maintain appropriate limits. Without limits and boundaries, the world becomes a scary and unsafe place. If you establish and maintain limits, your children will be less likely to ask for things excessively and more likely to have self-discipline, positive self-esteem, a good work ethic and respect for authority and themselves.

Source: Adapted from "Generation Text: Raising Well-Adjusted Kids in an Age of Instant Everything" by Dr. Michael Osit, a New Jersey-based clinical psychologist.

I think the "Active parenting" is the key in this. As a nanny I saw lots of parents just coasting through raising their kids. They did not take an active involvement in their child's media influence, friend infuence, or put much focus on their child's moral character. Parents, if we don't raise our kids right, who will?

This book is a great resource in rethinking how we do things with our kids!