Daughters

Once upon a time I had a different brown skinned baby girl. She and Isaac were just 18 months apart. CPS gave her to us as an adoptive placement-parental rights had been terminated. We named her Olivia and brought her home. We had a party for her, we sent out birth announcements. Long story short, CPS took her away from us abruptly, gave her to another foster mother, and the drama that ensued left me scarred and traumatized for a long, long time.

I wondered why God had brought her at all if he was going to just take her away. I wondered why we had to struggle so hard to be parents when others were gifted with it so effortlessly.
6 months later, I understood why. Our real daughter had already been conceived.
Had Olivia not come and been taken in such a horrific way, we would have not left foster care adoption to pursue domestic infant adoption.

And our Vivianna would not be ours.

But this was not to be God's plan. His plan was for us to be in the room when our daughter entered this world. His plan was for me to be the first one to hold her.
His plan was that this daughter would stay.
And she did.

All of my children have redeemed part of our journey for me.
This certainly was not their job to do as they came into our family, but it happened nonetheless.

Isaac redeemed my ache to be a mother. An ache that started from the time I was old enough to know that women had babies of their very own. He wasn't really a baby anymore, but he needed a mother very very much. And I so desperately needed a son. A perfect fit.

Vivianna redeemed my deep desire to have a baby that was mine from birth. A baby whose very life began in our heart and home. A sweet bundle of pink baby girl that I thought I had had to say goodbye to. She had such spark and life to her. She still does.

J redeemed in many ways my barrenness. In his homecoming I came to terms with God that this was the way our family was to be. Our cup runneth over in beautiful colors of children that I could have never given birth to. That deep desire to be pregnant that I thought would always be a part of me quickly and surprisingly left as our family has grown. We now have quite too many children for a pregnancy to be the blessing it once would have been. :)

And Jasmine. Jasmine has redeemed my loss. Billy pointed out that Jasmine has dragged up "Olivia anxiety" in a way that Vivi did not. I suppose it is because Jasmine is a brown skinned baby girl. I suppose I had given up the thought that would ever happen again. I know I worry more about this baby. Is she breathing? Will she survive the SIDS window? Will I make all the right decisions for her care all the time? Will she love me? Olivia cried a lot. I was not her mother. She missed her foster mother she had been with since birth. And she was not going to so quickly be replaced. But Jasmine lights up when she sees me. She smiles at me even if I am just shifting her from the changing table to the swing. If she is in a rage she stops crying the second I pick her up. She nuzzles into me and relaxes. She is mine. And I am hers. Beautiful redemption.

And despite the worry and fear that threatens to creep up...I am putting my trust in the Lord that He has given us this baby girl to keep for all the days of her life.