I have talked about it a little here, but I thought I would share more about the sad parts of adopting Jasmine. You see, she didn't come into this world with the fan fare that Vivi did. From birth family and adoptive family...Vivi's whole world was a bunch of love in those first few days of life. She had her birth mom and Grandma loving and kissing on her and I was there, the first one to hold her. We were able to say goodbye to her birth family, so when I brought her home there was no lingering grief on my part. It was ALL joy. With the boys, I don't know what happened but I do know their Grandma took them home. And there they had cousins who doted on them and other adults who surely held and loved them. They were wanted. They were adored.
But with Jasmine, it wasn't so. There are some circumstances involving her existence in this world that I won't share, but I have shared the fact that her birth mother never chose to meet us and still hasn't. And that...I think I could have gotten over. What got me then, and still gets me now, is that her birthmother didn't even choose to meet her. Now don't get me wrong, I understand why. She didn't want to meet and surely fall in love with this little baby that she knew she couldn't take home and parent. The most selfless decision a person can make. But she left the hospital 2 days after giving birth, and she left the child she hadn't named, hadn't touched, laying there. There to be cared for by nurses and later picked up and transported by an agency worker, to be given to a couple that she "met" on paper.
And that fact has killed me.
I cried for weeks after bringing Jasmine home. Because even though I know she was not aware, I felt her loss. I felt her abandonment. And I held that baby every waking moment. I nestled her in the Moby Wrap on my chest for months. Billy would come in the bedroom and find us tucked in bed, chest to chest with tears streaming down my face. And he would say, "what's wrong?" and I would say, "she really, really needed me. She needed a Mom. And I wasn't there." I didn't think it would hurt so much that I missed my daughter's first 3 days of life. I mean its just 3 days! I missed the first 16 months of Isaac's and the first two and a half years of Jayden's. But there was something about those 3 days that got me then and it still gets me now. Three days I could have been there had I only known. Had she been with her birth mom, then I know my pain for her wouldn't run so deep. But she had neither of us.
And I just bet that it has done a number on her birthmother's emotions too.
To think that in those weeks we both cried over the same baby girl that we loved so much.
So I dealt with my grief by rocking my new daughter a lot. And I held her every single time she cried. And I took her every place I went. She was such a good, good tiny baby girl. But there was a turning point where she became not so good of a baby!! She became demanding and fussy and only preferred me, screaming and crying if anyone else held her, or if her feet touched the carpet for a second so I could run to the bathroom. She is still like that in many ways to this day. I wish she were "easier", and I know that my constant attention in those early months surely contributed to her Mommy obsession. But I also know that she really needed me, and that one day she won't need me so much. On her really rotten Jasmine days, where she tantrums and throws fits over every little thing...I remind myself of those first few weeks and months where she and I fit like a glove. We were meant for each other. We needed one another. I didn't get to have a baby born to me to snuggle and hold and marvel over for hours on end in their first days of life. Jasmine didn't have a mother to do those things...until we found each other.
The nurse at Jasmine's Dr's appt. today told me that my children were very lucky to have me.
But with Jasmine, it wasn't so. There are some circumstances involving her existence in this world that I won't share, but I have shared the fact that her birth mother never chose to meet us and still hasn't. And that...I think I could have gotten over. What got me then, and still gets me now, is that her birthmother didn't even choose to meet her. Now don't get me wrong, I understand why. She didn't want to meet and surely fall in love with this little baby that she knew she couldn't take home and parent. The most selfless decision a person can make. But she left the hospital 2 days after giving birth, and she left the child she hadn't named, hadn't touched, laying there. There to be cared for by nurses and later picked up and transported by an agency worker, to be given to a couple that she "met" on paper.
And that fact has killed me.
I cried for weeks after bringing Jasmine home. Because even though I know she was not aware, I felt her loss. I felt her abandonment. And I held that baby every waking moment. I nestled her in the Moby Wrap on my chest for months. Billy would come in the bedroom and find us tucked in bed, chest to chest with tears streaming down my face. And he would say, "what's wrong?" and I would say, "she really, really needed me. She needed a Mom. And I wasn't there." I didn't think it would hurt so much that I missed my daughter's first 3 days of life. I mean its just 3 days! I missed the first 16 months of Isaac's and the first two and a half years of Jayden's. But there was something about those 3 days that got me then and it still gets me now. Three days I could have been there had I only known. Had she been with her birth mom, then I know my pain for her wouldn't run so deep. But she had neither of us.
And I just bet that it has done a number on her birthmother's emotions too.
To think that in those weeks we both cried over the same baby girl that we loved so much.
So I dealt with my grief by rocking my new daughter a lot. And I held her every single time she cried. And I took her every place I went. She was such a good, good tiny baby girl. But there was a turning point where she became not so good of a baby!! She became demanding and fussy and only preferred me, screaming and crying if anyone else held her, or if her feet touched the carpet for a second so I could run to the bathroom. She is still like that in many ways to this day. I wish she were "easier", and I know that my constant attention in those early months surely contributed to her Mommy obsession. But I also know that she really needed me, and that one day she won't need me so much. On her really rotten Jasmine days, where she tantrums and throws fits over every little thing...I remind myself of those first few weeks and months where she and I fit like a glove. We were meant for each other. We needed one another. I didn't get to have a baby born to me to snuggle and hold and marvel over for hours on end in their first days of life. Jasmine didn't have a mother to do those things...until we found each other.
The nurse at Jasmine's Dr's appt. today told me that my children were very lucky to have me.
"No," I said. "I am lucky to have them. My life would have been a whole lot different had they not entered it." Every single one of my kids left a mark on the person that I am today.
I think I would be lost in this world had I not become a mother.
Joy mingled with sadness is the thread mark of their stories and of mine.
So we get each other.
I get what their loss meant for their life stories.
And they will one day understand what my loss meant for mine.
But the gain...
Oh the gain.
There is no measure that can be put on the richness that our losses bought for us.
I think I would be lost in this world had I not become a mother.
Joy mingled with sadness is the thread mark of their stories and of mine.
So we get each other.
I get what their loss meant for their life stories.
And they will one day understand what my loss meant for mine.
But the gain...
Oh the gain.
There is no measure that can be put on the richness that our losses bought for us.
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7 friends commented!:
Tears in my eyes. Beautiful!
Beautiful! Baby E's birthmom spent time with him at the hospital. It was awful to watch her grieve him those first few weeks (we had frequent visits), but I'm so glad she was able to do it. And that I was able to wittness how much she loved/s him.
This made me cry. Beautiful. So happy you have each other as mama & baby.
Beautifully written, Laurie! And so true! I am blessed by each of my 4 kiddos too and none of them came to us until a while after they were born also.
Carrie T. - mom to 4 from Korea
Tears over thus one. Similar situation with our Samuel. Although we met his birth mother and were there when he was born, due to the stupid hospital I could not hold or even see him until discharge and his birth mother asked to be moved off the maternity ward and never met or held him. I grieved for those first two days and fought the hospital but they would not budge. I still think him being alone those two days impacted him. I know it did me.
I totally, completely, way too much...get this.
The part for me that hurts so deep is that our journey, at this point, is not a permanent one. Birth Mom and Birth Dad are still, technically speaking, in the picture, even though they have chosen not to see their newborn, now 4 month-old daughter since she was 3 weeks old.
I get that we chose this route, or that is was chosen for us, or whatever, but the pain at times is unbearable, and the mourning over what my Bitty girl has lost, and that someday she will realize it.
Thank you for being so real. It makes me feel not so strange, which in my current land of fertile Myrtles, is a good thing to feel.
Blessings!
Hannah
Beautiful! Simply beautiful!
So glad you and Jasmine have each other!
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