This is my absolute favorite picture. This was October 2006, Isaac’s 2nd birthday, and our first to celebrate with him since he
came home. What makes this picture special to me
is that it was taken during one of the darkest periods of Laurie’s and my life.
Three weeks prior, CPS had removed
a baby from us. She was an adoptive placement (we'd named her and had a homecoming party), and her removal was devastating.
Not only did we lose her forever, but we spent nearly a month in constant
panic that Isaac would be removed as well.
This was a month spent waiting for CPS to
determine that our house was safe and that we were fit to remain an open foster
care family. There are still quite a few vivid
memories I have of that month.
I remember dreading the sound of the phone
ringing. Every time someone called our house or cell phone, I got a small but
piercing wave of anxiety – especially if the call came from our caseworker or
attorney. I was waiting for someone to tell me they were coming for Isaac.
They'd ask how Laurie and I were doing and I'd pray they hurry up and get the point of the call. Every day at 5pm, I breathed a sigh of relief because I figured they would come
for him during business hours. And I got some small peace on the weekends for
the same reason. But everyday weekday morning, I awoke with a new feeling of
fear.
Shortly after the baby was removed,
CPS conducted an inspection of our house. The results would determine if we
could proceed with finalizing Isaac’s adoption, and in the weeks waiting for
the results his birthday arrived.
I don’t remember details on the
party, but I’m sure I put up a fight not to have it. I probably worried what
the point was of celebrating a birthday for a child I desperately wanted to be
mine, and wanting to cancel was a defense. In some ways I’m sure I was trying
to separate from him in case he left.
Nevertheless, we held the party.
And at some point, me or someone took this picture. I can’t get over how
genuinely happy Laurie looks. I can’t see any fear or sadness in Laurie’s
eyes. Somehow she enjoyed her first birthday as a mom.
About a week after the party, CPS cleared our house as safe and gave us the green light to proceed with Isaac's adoption. They even told us removing the baby had been harsh and impulsive, which I suppose gave us some small satisfaction.
Now, I just remember we went through absolute hell, and the result was a family. I can't believe what was once this...
has become...
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3 friends commented!:
The same thing almost happened to us this summer. We still have the toddler, but every day I breathe easier once 5pm hits. And I also cringe at emails and phone calls. This summer was a blur as we fought for her..phone class, emails, support groups.... and spent every day waiting for CPS to come and take her...court dates loomed and then were canceled. Things have now calmed down and while we still fear what could still happen, we no longer think every day is our last with her.
I long for the days we can look back and all the bad stuff is.a.memory. I have loved following your family as it.grows...
Great post, Billy! I love all of those pics. Laurie does look so happy in hers. As happy as a mama always meant to be!
I remember well debating on having a party for our little L last year. We knew we could find out any moment she was leaving and were happy she was. We had a wonderful party with her bio family there and celebrated this little girl that brought us together. 3 weeks later she was gone.
Excellent post Billy!! Hope you write more, I miss your writing.
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