Adoption Is Not All Roses

Sometimes I come across pure richness of the written word in blogland. It inspires me. It challenges me. It changes me. And when that happens I owe it to my readers to share that treasure!

Brandi sent me a blog link to a friend of hers and as I read it, I literally could NOT catch my breath. It was SO real, so right on, so transparent...just glorious!

Jen writes about her experience "After the Airport" when she has brought her children home from Africa and is now in the thick of parenting them. I want to share some of the quotes off her blog on this topic. She writes about how they are parenting damaged, traumatized children who are sometimes sad, angry, fear filled.
Jen says,

"I know what else you might be thinking: Are you trying to scare people away from adoption? Because this is pretty good propaganda for turning a blind eye to this mess. No I'm not. While adoption is clearly not the answer for the 170 million orphans on earth, it is one answer, and I'll go to the grave begging more people to open their homes and minds and hearts to abandoned children who are praying for a Mom and Dad and a God who might still see them.

But Brandon and I decided some time ago to go at this honestly, with truthful words and actual experiences that might encourage the weary heart or battle some of the fluffy, damaging semi-truths about adopting. Because let me tell you something: If you are intrigued by the idea of adoption, with the crescending storyline and happy airport pictures and the sigh-inducing family portrait with the different skin colors and the feely-feel good parts of the narrative, please find another way to see God's kingdom come."

Oh my gosh. I gasped when I read that last part and I said outloud "YES!!"
You see, Billy and I hear often from people who want to adopt "one day" or "after we have our own kids". They say things like, "I always knew I was called to this." And I am not saying I judge that mindset or disagree with it. But I cannot help but wonder as Jen so poignantly put it, what is it they dream about? That moment when their child runs into their arms and thanks them for "saving them"? The moments when they get all kinds of attention from their friends and church as they begin their mad dash across the ocean to come home to cheers in an airport?

What Then?
Cause I cannot imagine it is the moments when their precious new toddler or child screams they hate them, or steals food and hides it all over their bedroom to mold, or wakes up 6 times a night with screaming terrors...or pitches a holy embarrassing fit in Target because you asked them to put back the Hot wheels car.

Are these the moments you long for?

Because the fact of it is, adoption is not all roses. The airport moment...or the moment where you bring your baby home from the hospital...or you finalize your foster child in court....they last like 24 hours. And maybe the high of those moments could last a week or at most a month. But then one day you wake up and realize you have signed on for a lifetime of this. And all those people with smiling faces and posters and gifts...somehow all go back to their own lives. In the end these kids need you.

I am tired of listening to adoptive parents complain that their kids have "issues" and roll their eyes or fuss over how hard it is to parent a hurting child and wondering when will it end and when will they finally be healed. I have seen it, Ya'll. I have read it in blogland. And I have to say this, they will be healed when they are in Heaven with their Savior and are completely whole. That is when. So if you don't want to sign up for the sheer exhaustion of it all until the day Christ comes back, or you go to meet your Maker....then you ought not to.

On a side note, I was at a party over the weekend and a little girl (not an adoptee) was whining at her Mom for something saying, "I want..." and the mom cut her off and said "Well I want a little girl that behaves. Do you know where I can get one?" and someone chimed in, "at an orphanage." Really? Do people think that? Cause I know lots of families with precious, precious kids who once lived in an orphanage and they do not always behave. And besides, do we live in such a disposable society that we can joke about trading our kids in when they do not act the way we want them to?

Jen says, "You cannot just be into adoption to adopt; you have to be into parenting."

She goes on to say, "I'm writing for those of you who had the oh-so-wanted baby after the cheers and showers and Facebook fervor, and now you're struggling with a depression so dark and deep, you are afraid to say it out loud... For my friends who've brought their adopted children home and the media frenzy has died down, and you are holding a screaming toddler, a fragile kindergartener, an angry teen, trying to catch your breath and make it through the day without bawling while everyone else has gone back to their regularly scheduled programs...I'm with you today. More importantly, God is with you today. He remains in the chaos long after it has lost its shine. When the delivered meals have stopped and the attention has waned, Jesus remains. He sticks with us long after it is convenient or interesting."

She writes so much more. It is moving beyond any words I can bring justice to it.
Go read it. Read it if you have adopted and the euphoria has worn off. Go read it if you want to adopt "some day"...it will open your eyes.

Read it if you need to know you are not alone.

It is breathtakingly beautiful. Well done.

Well done.

Jen Hatmakers, "After the Airport".

Be My Little Baby

This child officially goes everywhere I go.
We noticed a couple weeks ago that she began to cry if anyone was holding her but me.
Then this past weekend we left her with a babysitter and she told us that Jasmine cried the entire time until she finally put her to bed and she tuckered herself out. Awww. Sad.

THEN, Billy kept her twice over the weekend while I ran errands and he said she cried the whole time for him! Add to this crying at the church nursery, crying if someone other than me or Billy holds her in public....and we have a royal Mama's girl on our hands! So she comes with me to meetings, dr's appts, church. You name it. If I am there, Jasmine is with me.

I know this is just a stage though. And in the grand scheme of things it is sooo good for attachment. We love each other so much, and I will be her security blanket for as long as she needs me.

BUT, it would be nice if my arms could get a break every once in awhile. And we are praying to be able to meet her birthmother at the end of this month and I know Jasmine is going to cry...but I don't want it to make her birthmother sad or feel rejected.

So I am just hoping she might just move past this stage by then OR atleast be okay for one afternoon with someone else loving on her as her Mama looks on with pride!

Vivianna's First Day of Pre-K!

Vivi started her Tues/Thursday school today!
I cannot believe this is her last year before Kindergarten.
Oh good grief!

She wanted to wear the Hello Kitty shirt and jean skirt her Nana bought her.

I have never been a fan of character tees for any of my kids...but this pretty jeweled shirt was a good compromise!

Her brother enjoyed escorting her to school. He goes at noon everyday, so this will give me 3 hours twice of week of just Jayden and Mommy time while Jasmine takes her morning nap!

She was VERY excited about school and talked about it all weekend.
I think we are going to love it as it is the church we go to, so she will know several of the teachers and likely some of the students.

Fall Is In The Air

Labor Day brought with it a beautifully cool breeze here in Texas.
We decided since it will be in the high 80's all week, it was time to break out the Fall decor!

Hope ya'll are enjoying your September as much as we are!

When it rains...

The last day of August, it rained....lightly...for all of 5 minutes. The little ones begged to put their boots on and raincoats to go out into the "rain". Thankfully, Billy had let all the water out of their pool that morning, so we could dry it and pack it away until next summer. So their puddles consisted of old dirty pool water. But, hey they got their day in the rain!

This got me reflecting on the hot and draining month of August I had survived in TX, for another year. This month was by far my hardest in all of 2011. Not only was the weather stifling, which kept me indoors with 4 kids who were stir crazy, but I was also dealing with my own "junk" as I call it.

This month I had to face relational grief over a friendship that ended in a shocking and hurtful way. I was dealing with my own angst connected to my birthday (whew! So glad that is over...never been my favorite day of the year) AND I have been struggling with a severe case of Mommy burnout. I was burned out with cleaning, dishes, laundry, tattle telling, organizing...and on and on. Days turned into weeks with no end in sight. We do not have a reliable source of babysitting for our four kids and this left me completely drained as I spent every waking moment with at least one of my little blessings underfoot. August is our most expensive month for bills and school starting expenses, so money has been very tight. Personal sin, laziness, and selfishness have all reared its ugly head. Impatience and discontentment have been my cry.

The dust has collected in my house and in my heart as I felt like I was just treading water most days. And that is just a snippet of the junk I have struggled with in the hot, hot month of August.

A desert experience in my soul, for sure.

But with the rain...often comes a fresh cooler breeze. And that breeze for me has come in the form of sweet healing conversations with some dear friends (Oh, how therapeutic a good friendship is to the soul), starting my Mom's Bible study (more on that later), a long awaited date night with my husband tonight, a birthday lunch and cheesecake that a wonderful friend picked me up and took me too. A long lost close friend who has come back into my life...we have picked up like it has not been 6 years since we spoke...but just 6 days! Plus, the wonderful gift of a twice a month housecleaning (through Thanksgiving) paid for by my in-laws...which I am hoping to be able to schedule someone soon! I also have a visit from my mother-in-law to look forward to this month, celebrating Vivi's adoption day, and a sweet friend who has offered to come over and keep my kids ALL day on a Saturday while I have time to myself.

The Lord has taught me much during this dry season in my life where I of course grumbled and complained...and felt oh so sorry for myself. One of those lessons has been the truth that "this too shall pass". Those things that feel suffocating one day, have a way of working out. And the all important lesson that my God continues to speak to me is, "He will provide."

And He absolutely always does.

Full Of Life

That is what the name "Vivianna" means.
And it couldn't be more true about my first daughter.
Other words that would describe this child are: outgoing, fun, fiesty, stubborn, dramatic, polite, independent, headstrong, and sneaky.

This child has had a sneaky streak in her since she was a toddler and would climb onto the counters in the dark of morning to get into candy! This is something we have not been able to break her of...and oh how I have tried. We have done everything I can think of to try to get her to stop sneaking snacks, sneaking gum out of my purse, sneaking make-up or bandaids or jewelry! And the child will not incriminate herself. She is my only child when asked straight out if she did something will bold face LIE about it. This has given me so much grief!

I don't want my child to be *gasp* a liar!

So we have been talking a lot about making choices that honor God, choosing honesty over untruth, and not sneaking things because it is greedy to do so. I can see it is sinking in...a little bit. But hey, baby steps...right? The other night she was caught touching my food while I was pouring drinks. Billy said "Vivianna, did you touch Mom's biscuit?" to which she would normally insist she did not. But because of our talks about lying she said "um....I think so!"
Billy and I laughed...atleast she didn't lie about it!

And yesterday morning while I was getting her clothes laid out, she said "Mommy, look I'm not sneaking anymore because Jesus loves me and is in my heart!" as she clutched her chest dramatically. That made me smile. Maybe she is getting it afterall...for this moment.

Which is all I can ask for as a Mom.
Lord, please sustain me in this moment!