The picture of a father and his child.
Interactions with Billy and my kids seem to take on a different meaning through adoption. It makes my heart feel so full to know that in our family, these children have the opportunity to grow up with a daddy. In their first families, they would have had Moms...but none of them would have dads even to this day.
It also fills me with joy to know that Billy, me, and our children have a Heavenly Father who as Christians has given us what no earthly parent can...an inheritance that will not perish with economics, complete acceptance in the family that is never based on what we do or don't do, and a parent that will never go away, reject us, or place us with someone else.
I have been pondering much of what I learned from our retreat speaker last weekend,
Sherrie Eldridge who is best known for her book,
We had a group of 27 women at this retreat so we had a lot of intimate time just sitting around and talking with Sherrie and sharing our own experiences.
It was very healing.
Sherrie is an adoptee herself, and she talked a lot about the birthparent/child relationship. One thing she said that stuck with me is, "I don't give birthmothers all the credit. They did not create the child." That is powerful to me because of my own mother issues, and my fear that my kids would one day feel rejected by their birth moms. Sherrie said we must honor the position of the birthfamily but we don't have to honor their performance. This is especially helpful to those of us who have kids that came from really hard places and/or in situations where maybe we desire an open adoption where one does not currently exist. Or maybe your child's birthmom stayed in contact for awhile and then just dropped off. We have experienced that and I know many other adoptive families that have too. And really, that is okay. As hard as it is to desire contact and not have it...as is the case with Jasmine's birthmom...we also have to understand that there are many reasons why they placed their babies for adoption and if this is how they best cope with that decision, then we have to allow them the space to do that.
We, afterall, are the parents God gave our children for their time on earth and He will equip us with ALL we need to parent them effectively...to deal with their hurt, to learn best how to handle their questions...we have all the tools we need when we seek out His guidance in these areas.
Sherrie mentioned that she doesn't like the term "chosen child" as an adoptee because it connotates that you once had to be rejected by someone to be chosen by another. I agree with her on that. In "Chosen" I think of God choosing me for salvation and choosing our family for adoption, NOT in me choosing my children. She also added that it is not a good idea to tell a child that their birthmother loved them so much that she placed them with you...as is a common answer to the "why was I adopted, Mom?" questions we get. She said that this implies that love gives away those it cares for and your child could internalize that and say, "I want NO part of that kind of love." She said it is better to say, "Your birthmother could not take care of any baby at that time because of things going on in her life, so she chose a family for you to have forever or child protective services removed you and placed you in a safe forever family."
She talked about trials and hurts and sorrows in life and how they help us to grow. She gave a really great illustration on this: there was a little boy who had a butterfly in a Chrysalis. He saw that the butterfly was struggling to get out, so he thought he would help her by gently pulling off the Chrysalis walls. When the butterfly emerged, she flopped to the floor because she had not worked the muscles in her wings to escape the Chrysalis and therfor could not fly. The picture here is that we need to struggle in life to build up the strength and endurance to do all that God has called us to do. I have been seeing that more and more play out in my life in recent months and it has been very comforting to cling to the verse from 1 Peter 1:6-7 ~ "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold...may be proved genuine, and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
On the very first night that I met with my Biblical Counselor, she and I talked about my grief over feeling abandoned by my family. She got up and said that she had been given a scrapbooked verse at a luncheon recently and several times had thought about throwing it away because it was cluttering her desk, but for some reason she never had.
She came back and handed it to me and said, "God must have been saving it for you."
I gasped when I read Psalm 27:10~
Though my father and mother reject me, the Lord will receive me.
Wow.
I have put this verse on my mirror and I read it everyday and it comforts me.
I told my counselor last Monday that I think this present trial in my life might just be preparing me for the comforting heart that I will need to help heal the hurt that any of my kids could one day feel at the loss of their birthfamily. She agreed.
I love my kids so deeply and I want the very best for them every single day.
But I am so deeply flawed.
So although I am thankful for Billy and I to be able to provide a stable, loving, happy home for our 4 children to grow up in...I am even more thankful that they have a Heavenly Father who is able to perfectly meet every single one of their needs for eternity.
That is where their hope will be.
That is where their healing will be.
And that is where I find my hope and healing as well.
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