In the interest of writing openly about our open adoption (is that redundant?) but maintaining the same spirit of not putting too much personal information "out there"- I thought I would post a little about what we have going on. I know I have a lot of readers who have adopted or are in the process of adopting and many who also have open adoptions. So this remains a relevant topic for all of us.
In our open adoption with Vivianna's birthmother; I have sent letters, pictures, emails, photos over email, and we have had up to 4 get-togethers a year. We have also instant msg'd over email, and spoken twice together at our agency's functions. So far so good, right? Well about a month ago, we hit a snag in this relationship when some birthfamily drama went down. I won't devulge what that was for privacy sake, but we did contact our agency- who spoke to our birthmother and we also had to contact an attorney. Nothing came of all the drama, but I have found my relationship with her birthmom to be strained ever since. I have not contacted her in an effort to let the "dust settle" and also because I just didn't know what to say or how to precede. This has brought me great sadness. Last night she instant messaged me. I was not comfortable not responding as I would not treat anyone in my life with that kind of snubiness. So I responded. I immediately touched on our strained relationship and how I wasn't sure how to move forward. Her defenses went up and she basically gave her goodbyes to us, wishing us a good life! I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit prodded me to not let that be it. I could sense in her a deep disappointment she has in people and this was her way of rejecting us before we could reject her. I have never wanted to see an end to our relationship , or for it to be marked by just occasional pictures I send her way. But I also do not want to cross unhealthy boundaries with people who are not in the same place in life as us.
So I explained how I felt, told her she is family to us and we may not always agree with decisions she makes or her life choices, but we will always love her and desire a relationship. This broke down her defenses and she cried. She said that people had told her we would one day just walk and remove our relationship with her and she didn't believe that, until this all went down. She said this has been heavy on her heart and she didn't want to ever hurt us or Vivi. I told her that our relationship will eb and flow and that is okay, but she will always be a part of us and we love her even if we don't love all the choices she makes. We ended with her giving me her mailing address as I said I had summer pictures to send.
Why go to all this trouble you may wonder. Why not just do adoption the way it used to be done? Where the adoptive parents and child go on to build their life together and the birthmother is expected to "get over it and move on"? Wouldn't this be the easiest path to take? The birthmother and child can just "reunite" when the baby becomes an adult. This is what has been seen as best in the past. But time has told us that this is not. Adoptees go through life with many unanswered questions, often times a sense of loss prevades them long term. Birthmothers feel as if something was taken from them, not just having to say goodbye to parenting the child, but having to say goodbye to a bond and relationship that was formed. This is not a picture of adoption we were comfortable with. We truly feel a bond with her birthmother and family and as Vivi is our daughter, they are our family too. You don't get to choose your family members, God does that. But we should still honor them. We do not feel like we owe her birthmother anything as a result of Vivi being ours. That was done by the hand of our Lord who in His sovereignty chose adoption for her and us before the creation of the world. But we do want to honor her as she is also a part of the little girl we love so much.
Our birthmother was hesitant in the beginning to have an open adoption. She has always deferred to what we wanted and were comfortable with, but as Billy said he doesn't think she counted on liking us so much! It is her relationship with me (not Vivi) that keeps this thing going. I know if we no longer had an open adoption, it isn't Viv she would miss it is the friendship we have formed.
So we forge ahead. There are no guarantees in life, I have found that out. So I cannot say what the future holds, but I know today my heart has been restored with the woman who I have daily thought about and prayed for for the last 2 years and 5 months. And this is a good place to be.
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3 friends commented!:
what a great post. THank you for posting it. We have two adopted children. We only have contact (sending pics and updates) twice a year with one grandmother. Both birth families are not "safe" to have an open adoption with. How does it work with your son not having that connection and your daughter having it?
So far our son has not noticed as he is only almost 5 years old. We talk about adoption and birthmothers and he has said some things but nothing about wanting to know them yet.
The way we see it is if the opportunity is there to have contact with any of our children's birthfamilies (even if from a safe distance) then we will happily encourage and contribute to it.
However in his case that is not an option. The letters I sent went un responded to and most recently returned to sender. SO we will just explain these circumstances to him as he grows in his understanding and begins to ask questions.
Our daughter's birthmother is so kind to always include Isaac in her birthday gift-giving and her son is African American as well, so they are close like brothers when we are with them. I think this relationship will help him process adoption too and all it entails.
Thanks for asking!
I think too in depends on the child and I'm thinking (just as an outsider looking in) that Isaac isn't going to have that need to know them like some children do.
As my MIL told me after spending some time with the birth family You're not doing it for Monica, you're doing it for Isabel.
I'm so glad that things worked out. Is it just your personalities that helped your relationship along like it is or was there something else that helped? I do feel my relationship is growing with Monica but it's still so strained due to our shy natures.
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