Navigating the Tricky Waters of Open Adoption

In the interest of writing openly about our open adoption (is that redundant?) but maintaining the same spirit of not putting too much personal information "out there"- I thought I would post a little about what we have going on. I know I have a lot of readers who have adopted or are in the process of adopting and many who also have open adoptions. So this remains a relevant topic for all of us.

In our open adoption with Vivianna's birthmother; I have sent letters, pictures, emails, photos over email, and we have had up to 4 get-togethers a year. We have also instant msg'd over email, and spoken twice together at our agency's functions. So far so good, right? Well about a month ago, we hit a snag in this relationship when some birthfamily drama went down. I won't devulge what that was for privacy sake, but we did contact our agency- who spoke to our birthmother and we also had to contact an attorney. Nothing came of all the drama, but I have found my relationship with her birthmom to be strained ever since. I have not contacted her in an effort to let the "dust settle" and also because I just didn't know what to say or how to precede. This has brought me great sadness. Last night she instant messaged me. I was not comfortable not responding as I would not treat anyone in my life with that kind of snubiness. So I responded. I immediately touched on our strained relationship and how I wasn't sure how to move forward. Her defenses went up and she basically gave her goodbyes to us, wishing us a good life! I am so thankful that the Holy Spirit prodded me to not let that be it. I could sense in her a deep disappointment she has in people and this was her way of rejecting us before we could reject her. I have never wanted to see an end to our relationship , or for it to be marked by just occasional pictures I send her way. But I also do not want to cross unhealthy boundaries with people who are not in the same place in life as us.

So I explained how I felt, told her she is family to us and we may not always agree with decisions she makes or her life choices, but we will always love her and desire a relationship. This broke down her defenses and she cried. She said that people had told her we would one day just walk and remove our relationship with her and she didn't believe that, until this all went down. She said this has been heavy on her heart and she didn't want to ever hurt us or Vivi. I told her that our relationship will eb and flow and that is okay, but she will always be a part of us and we love her even if we don't love all the choices she makes. We ended with her giving me her mailing address as I said I had summer pictures to send.


Why go to all this trouble you may wonder. Why not just do adoption the way it used to be done? Where the adoptive parents and child go on to build their life together and the birthmother is expected to "get over it and move on"? Wouldn't this be the easiest path to take? The birthmother and child can just "reunite" when the baby becomes an adult. This is what has been seen as best in the past. But time has told us that this is not. Adoptees go through life with many unanswered questions, often times a sense of loss prevades them long term. Birthmothers feel as if something was taken from them, not just having to say goodbye to parenting the child, but having to say goodbye to a bond and relationship that was formed. This is not a picture of adoption we were comfortable with. We truly feel a bond with her birthmother and family and as Vivi is our daughter, they are our family too. You don't get to choose your family members, God does that. But we should still honor them. We do not feel like we owe her birthmother anything as a result of Vivi being ours. That was done by the hand of our Lord who in His sovereignty chose adoption for her and us before the creation of the world. But we do want to honor her as she is also a part of the little girl we love so much.

Our birthmother was hesitant in the beginning to have an open adoption. She has always deferred to what we wanted and were comfortable with, but as Billy said he doesn't think she counted on liking us so much! It is her relationship with me (not Vivi) that keeps this thing going. I know if we no longer had an open adoption, it isn't Viv she would miss it is the friendship we have formed.

So we forge ahead. There are no guarantees in life, I have found that out. So I cannot say what the future holds, but I know today my heart has been restored with the woman who I have daily thought about and prayed for for the last 2 years and 5 months. And this is a good place to be.

Memories

Today Isaac and I were able to talk briefly about adoption. I never know when these conversations will come up or how.

But they are always a treat for this mother's heart when they do.

He saw a picture of Billy and I in a magnet on the fridge (not the above shot-I'll explain this one later). Here is what was said:

Isaac: "Mom where was I in this picture?"

Me: "You hadn't come home yet."

Isaac: "Were you so sad that you didn't have a baby."

Me: "Yes, Mommy was so very sad that I couldn't have a baby in my tummy."

Isaac: "But then you adopted me!"

Me: "Oh yes! It was the happiest day of my life when they handed you to me. I thought to myself, look at this beautiful brown skinned baby boy all for me and Dad to love!"

Isaac (smiling really big now): "And did you show me to Grandma?"

Me: "Oh yes, she said 'he is so adorable!'

Isaac: "Did I try to run away?"

Me: "Oh no, you could only crawl, but you stayed right by my side. You needed a Mommy too."

He scampered off to play with a warm smile on his face and I smiled too.

I went back to look at the photos taken during our infertility struggle and there were hardly any of us. I think I just didn't have it in me to smile and pose. The above shot was taken at a pumpkin patch 6 months into trying to conceive. My sister was in her third trimester with her first child and we took pics of them with her swollen belly all happy, awaiting the arrival of her Christmas baby. There would be no Christmas baby for us...no Christmas pregnancy either. And my heart began to break.

I had no idea that it would be another 16 months from the time that picture was taken, that my son would finally come home. I certainly had no idea that just about 2 short weeks before we went to that pumpkin patch that October day in 2004, he had already entered this world! But the Lord knew. And he told my tender heart to WAIT...wait for what is to come. Wait for the little one I have chosen for you. Wait to see how wonderful it will be.

And we waited...

And it was.

The Story of Two Rebekah's

Months ago I began following a blog in the adoption community, a blog like many others- a waiting family. A couple in another state waiting for their first child to be born, waiting to be matched with a birthmother actually. I followed along as they decorated the gorgeous nursery, had baby showers, and shopped for clothing. Then I read and rejoiced as they posted about the news that a birthmother living states away had found their blog and contacted their agency about her pregnancy. She chose them to raise her son. I was very shocked to read posts about how they flew to meet her and her family, they posted pictures even!! Before the baby was born!

But I wasn't prepared for the beauty and joy I found when I stumbled upon that birthmother's blog. I quickly read through her whole blog, how she found out she was pregnant with her 5th child- how she broke the news to the birthfather-how she chose adoption. It was beautiful. And over the months I have read her stories, commented on her posts, and prayed for her. I fiercely defended her decision when a group of anti-adoption bullies wrote mean things in her comment section. She has been here to read my story and offer her words of encouragement. The excitement mounted as the birth approached, and I would go back and forth between the two blogs with dozens of other readers to watch the story unfold!

Well- praise the Lord their baby boy was born this week and is healthy!! The birthmother is now home from the hospital and posting about her grief as she processes letting go. This has been an amazing story to read and watch. As I am so sad for her and what she is going through, as an adoptive Mommy my heart also soars for the new parents of this little guy, as they soak in all his baby cuteness. Standing amazed, I am sure,that he is really here- that they are really parents! I can't wait to see their family photos, to read about his homecoming, to see him grow up. And especially to read about their very open adoption.

It is amazing to me how close you can get to people through their blogs. I have several ladies who read and comment on mine, that I have never met. I have reconnected with old college friends who found my blog. It feels good to not be alone in the world, doesn't it? To know that other people "get you", go through what you go through- the joys, the pain.

So I dedicate this post to my two blogging friends, Birthmom Rebekah and Adoptive Mom Rebekah (funny they both have the same name!!) as they share a mutual love for their brand new baby boy. Both of their blogs are not private, so I am sure they won't mind you going over there and offering your support too! I pray for the sadness and grief that surrounds adoption, both for the Mommy who was never given a child in her womb, as I know adoption does not completely erase years of pain and heartache. And I pray for the broken heart of the Mommy whose womb no longer carries her child. Once again, joy mingled with grief....

Transracial Adoption Part 3

First read Part One and Part Two, if you have not already.

Billy had an article published in last month's edition of Adoptive Families Magazine about a church we visited for awhile that was racially diverse. Awhile back he posted the story on his blog, and had an angry reader comment. When the magazine came out, he received an angry email. Both of these comments were from white women who felt it was inappropriate to put so much focus on Isaac being African American. They used terms like "he is not a black child, he is a child of God" and other phrases that supported the all too familiar "color blind" sentiments that gained popularity in the 1980's. They even went as far as to say that in society he will not be viewed as African American because he is being raised by white parents. What? I can assure you, when he is 30 years old and at a social event, he will be viewed as African American. During a job interview, he will be viewed as African American. He may not have some of the stereotypical behavior traits that so many feel define his particular ethnicity, but I have been around many African American adults who would also fall into that category and they were not raised in a Caucasian family. Often times they are professionals, teachers, pastors, business men and women.

The problem that arises when we try to say we don't "see" his color of skin, is that in doing so we are denying him his racial existence in the world. As though his race carries no weight in who he is. That is just plain ignorant. My race plays a part in who I am, my gender does too as well as my socio-economic status and religion. These are ALL a part of who I am, I would not deny my own race, nor should I deny my children's. I think what these commenters are meaning to say is that his race should not be a factor in how he is viewed and treated in the world. Sure, of course not. We agree that people of all nationalities have basic human rights and dignities and should not be judged by their appearance or class in society. But the facts remain that we are. And might I add that most people would agree that terms like "black" and "white" are not offensive universally. OF course these terms do not represent actual skin color, but they are the social norms in referring to our ethnicities. I choose to use Caucasian and African American because I don't care for the laziness of the slang, not because I think the slang terms are repressive.

Billy and I listened to a speaker talk about Transracial Adoption and she is an African American social worker at an adoption agency. She said that the research that has been done has shown that most African American and Biracial children who are raised by Caucasian adoptive parents fair as well if not better than their peer groups when it comes to self esteem. Yes, they may struggle connecting with their racial peer group as they enter their teens, but this can be greatly reduced if they have parents who were in touch with these issues from an early age. Parents who talked openly about race as things arise, and were committed to being a more culturally aware family on a whole. The above book was highly recommended by her (we are hoping to get a copy soon, so I am not openly supporting it until I read it). The author's adoptive parents did not speak openly about race to him. They essentially raised him like they would any child and according to him this had a negative impact on his sense of self.

This is why Billy and I do what we do. We have nothing to prove to the world when it comes to our family dynamic, nor do we have anything to prove to our children's particular racial groups. However, we do owe it to them to make sure they grow up knowing what is out there, how others live, and what opportunities are available for them. I would love for them to be so comfortable with their own adoptions that they choose to adopt someday. This is, and will continue to be, our commitment to our children, and just a part of the legacy we hope to leave behind.

Watch This

Next Saturday we have the privilege once again of going to our adoption agency and speaking about open adoption and transracial adoption. I wish I could show this video to the couples at the training. It makes my stomach hurt. I tell them about it every time we go, but watching it is more impactful.

Our agency currently has several African American birthmothers and only one couple's profile to present. This is an adoption topic that is very dear to my heart as the question always comes back to "why?". I forwarded their latest email asking for prayer for this need, and have already had several responses. I pray that atleast one of those will pan out as a family for these babies who will be born in the coming months.

I have several illustrations I hope to present this Sat. and I pray as I always do that the Lord will use our words and experiences to open the hearts of these potential adoptive parents to the beautiful, colorful world around them. I believe we as Caucasian adoptive parents can help change the tide in how our African American children see skin color, as they are prone to be more aware early on of differences and similarities. This is why I am so adament about making sure the toys and dolls, along with the schools and parks my children grow up with represent lots of different ethnicities. Not just black and white.

Some Adoption Gems

I found this book at the library and it is GREAT! It tells the story of 6 children. The first one is raised by the parents that birthed him and the following 5 were all adopted. The second is a girl from Korea who is placed as a baby, one from a teenage couple who desire an open adoption, and place with a single mother. One is a family placement to an uncle when the baby's mother dies, one is a couple who wait 6 months for a birthmother to choose them, and the last is a girl adopted around age 7 from foster care. It is greatness!

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Then I came across the website http://www.adoptionclubhouse.org/. It is a resource for older children to learn how to deal with questions at schools, a book resource list, and even a great profile series of famous people who were adopted. It is really well done.

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And finally, we attended another gathering of a group we found in North Richland Hills called Families Like Us. It is a group of families that are all similar in the sense that we are all caucasian parents raising African American children, or in the case of one mom that has attended before-African American parent with a caucasian child. We had pizza with all the families and then listened to a speaker, a woman who heads up the African American/Biracial program at Fort Worth's Gladney Adoptions. It was a lot of fun. We found this group because a friend of mine and I were eating at Chick Fil A with our children last spring and the leaders approached us and told us about their group. So that is my latest!

"Adopt-a" Programs

I am going to take a little break in the festive Christmas posts to rant a bit. Ya'll have missed my rants, right?!

Next week at school, all the classes are gathering gifts and donations from families in their class to give Christmas presents to a child in foster care. We all have specific children with their ages and requests. Our director typed a note to send home to the parents and the letter says, "Each class has adopted a foster child this year to provide gifts for." Really? Each class has adopted a foster child? Now clearly what she meant to say was each class will be sponsoring a foster child's Christmas. Adoption is final and forever, not one holiday that you buy some clothes and a book for a 12 year old. You might be thinking as you read this that I am being petty about this issue but it just eats me up to hear this phrasing. How am I supposed to explain the concept of how my children came to be mine with the way people flipantly use this word? I was at Family Christian Bookstore two days ago and the kids and I were at the cash register where a video was playing of children in Africa walking with jugs on their heads. I explained to Isaac that they had to walk miles to get water for their families and how lucky we are that our water is in our home. The cashier said "you know you can adopt one of these children for $30 a month!" I wanted to say, "adopting one of these children would cost a whole lot more than 30 bucks a month." but what I said was,"is that the way the organization describes this program? Adopting a child?" now clearly she could look down at Isaac and see that he is not biologically mine yet was calling me Mom and she said "No, that's just me. Sorry." I just smiled to let her off the hook, but inside I was so annoyed.

And today to go to school and read this? Even more shocking is that our director has been a foster parent for more than 10 years. I don't mean to be obnoxious about this, but she should know better. She really should. Here is the definition of "adopting" from dictionary.com:


(ə-dŏpt') Pronunciation Key tr.v. a·dopt·ed, a·dopt·ing, a·dopts
1. To take into one's family through legal means and raise as one's own child.
2. a.To take and follow (a course of action, for example) by choice or assent: adopt a new technique.
b. To take up and make one's own: adopt a new idea.
3.To take on or assume: adopted an air of importance.
4.To vote to accept: adopt a resolution.
5.To choose as standard or required in a course: adopt a new line of English textbooks.

No where in that definition does it describe financially supporting a person, team, highway, library, zoo animal, or tree temporarily. The appropriate term for that is to sponsor.

Adoption is relational and it is forever. And yes, the use of this term matters! Adoptive Families Magazine has an article on this topic that is really good. Please take the time to read 'Adopt-a Programs' Diminish Our Families.

This is a subject that often comes up with Billy and I and it is SO important that those in our lives be on the same page about this.

The Gala

Our adoption agency's fundraising Gala was last night. It was a great event. Billy and I and Vivianna's birthmother told our story and spoke about open adoption. It was a blessing to have a relaxing night with her birthfamily. My parents came and so did Billy's mom, so we were all at the same table. I have some better pictures of us on stage, but the birthfamily is in those and I choose to respect their privacy by not posting about them. There are some really cute pictures of Vivi's 3 year old birth-sister feeding her mashed potatoes. Both kids just doted on her and wiped her face and hands with napkins and wanted to sit with her. It was very fun for them to have that time. Isaac, still recovering, spent most of the night glued to a tiny DVD player that my parents brought. I will post how much money the Gala raised when we find that info out.

This is a gift I made for Viv's birthmom, it is a white framed portrait of their painted handprints.

I made one for Vivianna's room too and she likes to slap it a "high-five" whenever she sees it!

Brothers and Sisters Follow-up

Here is my follow-up to my previous post. The previews to the show made it look like the characters were surprised that their birth mother was African American (the baby would be 50% Caucasian, 25% African American and 25% Korean...reminded me of Viv!), but they were actually surprised that she was a 2-year resident in Brain Surgery at a hospital. This really threw Kitty for a loop as she wanted to make sure that the woman knew the decision she was making, so she confronted her about that after their match meeting, and said "you could get a nanny and still be able to work" and the woman said "I don't want a nanny." I thought this was a great line because it shows that this is a mature woman who has thought through what it would be like to be a single mom and she has decided that she wants her child to have a mom and a dad, a stable home- vs. the stereotype of a young woman with no other options. She even stated that her family was supportive of her decision. The show used positive adoption language throughout the episode like "make an adoption plan" instead of "give up your baby."

The outcome is that Kitty scared the potential birthmother off. She said "I deal with nuerosis with my patients, I don't need it with you. There will be other babies." So it ended that way, but not before a great transaction between the character Kitty and her husband when she told him that the birthmother had changed her mind and why. She said "she was going the change her mind anyway, and we were not about to get our hearts broken." Her husband replied with, "Well if you're not ready to get your heart broken, then you are not ready to be a parent." Awesome!!

So the show leaves us hanging wondering what will happen. The previews show that next week Kitty will be in a state of depression. I just love the authenticity!! Stay tuned...

Billy's Article

My husband had a second article published, this time in Fostering Families Today, the Nov/Dec issue. You can see the magazine digitally and turn the pages. He is in the table of contents and beginning on page 56. He wrote about our experience fostering a newborn that stayed with us for only a month. Good job, Honey! I'm proud of you!

In Honor Of National Adoption Month

ABC's Brothers and Sisters

We don't have cable and what is on network television usually bores me so I don't watch much TV, but some of you know that this is my favorite drama series ever. Well last night it got better! One of the sisters, Kitty McAlister and her husband are adopting after having infertility struggles. Last night they got "The Call" that they had been chosen by a birthmother. Cynical as I am- I thought, with them being weathly and white (the entire cast is Caucasian), and the husband character a Senator- their baby will surely be white. Well, they showed the previews for next week and they meet the birthmother who is African American! I was so excited. :) I am anxious to see if the writers handle this with tact as the family finds out, and the husband and wife discuss it. They have handled serious issues like alchoholism, miscarriage, infant death, divorce, and adultery with tact- so I can always hope that my favorite show won't disappoint, right?

Stay tuned next Monday and I will fill you in on what happened, if you don't watch this show already. (Aunt Vicki I almost called you last night! :)

Longings

Yesterday I got an email from Vivianna's adoption agency asking for prayer for more families willing to adopt African American infants and those with medical needs. About once a year it seems we get an email of this type from the director. I emailed her back saying I thought they currently had a few waiting families open to other races and she said yes, they have been matched already with African American and bi-racial babies and they are down to their second to last family and have two African American babies due in the coming months. This just made my heart drop. When you look at the profiles on the agency website it is all caucasian couples, most with a white child already, many having been on there waiting for almost a year, and I think to myself, "they are waiting and longing for their perfect little white baby to complete their family." I don't say this to offend those who read this blog that did choose to specify their own race, I say it because it personally grieves my heart. I understand there are many reasons for choosing to do so, I have personally heard them, and once spoke some of them myself, many that start or end with "our family wouldn't accept a child of another race," or "I don't want it to be obvious we adopted when we are out in public" or "I just wouldn't know how to do their hair" or "I don't feel comfortable with it because I can't possibly raise that child to understand their race if I am not of that race." While all of these excuses have meaning, and need to be taken into account, in one way or another- they boil down to a level of uncomfortableness that many, many adoptive couples are not willing to face.


Billy and I will once again travel to our agency this weekend to speak on behalf of open adoptions, transracial adoptions, and special health risk adoptions. We will pray as we always do, that God will give us the words to open the hearts of those who hear about the possibility that maybe, just maybe God has their child in mind already, and maybe that child's skin is a bit darker than their own. I will say as I always do that adoption is not Plan B, not something you do when all else has "failed". Adoption is and was the plan God had for you all along. Couples have spent a decade coming to this realization, a decade that they could have been parenting istead of pining. When I look at the chocolate and caramel colored skin of my two little answered prayers, I feel gratitude well up in my heart. Gratitude that I was chosen out of all the women this whole wide world over to be the Mommy of this boy and this girl.

I was telling Billy about the email that the agency sent and Isaac overheard me. He said "Mom, I want a baby brother that is African American just like me!" and I had to fight back the tears. This isn't the first time he has said that. It will be awhile before that dream can come true. I said "we do too, buddy. We just have to pray to God and He will hear us." And so we pray for our own longing...and we pray for the couples we come in contact with this weekend and their longing. My prayer is that when they dream of their future babies, they dream in color.

Infant Loss

October 15th is the National Day for Rememberance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss. My mother-in-law lost her first born son at birth. My sister lost twins in her first trimester. Another friend of mine lost her firstborn in the first trimester. For us, it was the loss of not being able to conceive and the loss of our Olivia, who although she wasn't officially ours yet, still marks one of the greatest losses in our life. Over the summer, one of my best friends lost her third baby around 9 weeks in-utero. She just had a sonogram this week that showed the strong heartbeat of her 4th, due in May. I celebrate life with her today and I grieve with her and those around me who know the deep pain of loss. I thought I would share with you two blogs that my friend and I enjoy reading. They both have current posts on this subject. The first one is the son and daughter-in law of Pastor John Piper, Molly Piper. Their only daughter was stillborn.

And this One.

Falsely Accused

I have never posted about this in detail before, but I thought today I might. The kids are napping and I was flipping through the channels while checking my email, and came across Dr. Phil. The topic is about being falsely accused of abusing a child. The first guest on was a woman that pulled up to a Walmart about 30 feet from a Salvation Army bucket, took her 3 daughters out and left her sleeping two year old as they went to put money in the bucket. She could see the car and when she returned an officer who had been in the parking lot approached her, screaming that she should not have done that and then arrested her, claiming child abuse! She was taken to jail and later the charges were dropped. She uses the examples that when she returns carts, runs into a friends home to drop something off, etc. -she has never been arrested for that! Dr. Phil had a woman call in that stated she has never left her child in the car alone and he asked her even if she is going to put a letter in a mailbox 6 feet away and she said yes! Even Dr. Phil saw that this logic was insane when he said "maybe we need to follow you around to prove that!"

Why am I bringing up this random show...well for those of you who know us, this very thing happened to us. We were given the blessing of a beautiful 5 month old African American girl from the state that we were told we were going to adopt. We named her Olivia. A few weeks after she came home, I made this same judgement call as the woman on Dr. Phil. On a beautiful 80 degree day in September, she had just fallen asleep and I ran into a Subway to put my order in while my mom stayed in the place to pay and get our sandwiches to go. I left the baby in the car with all windows cracked. I could see the car the entire time I was in the store which was about 15 seconds and I saw someone approach my car. SO I ran out and the woman walked away. The baby had woken and I took her in with me. I later called our agency to tell them about the incident because I did not want to be reported to the police and accused of neglect. Well, long story short- they ended up removing the baby suddenly three days later, because of my testimony, and we never saw her again. We were investigated for neglect, threatened that Isaac would be removed, and hired a lawyer. The longest month of my life ended with me being cleared of all charges of neglect by CPS. We were then given the clearance to adopt Isaac. Our agency never apologized for the role they played in this, and even went so far as to call a mandatory training for all foster parents to go over this policy, a policy that was not in existence on paper, previous to our incident. We chose to close our foster home two months later.

I was forever changed by this incident and still have moments of intense guilt and grief. The anniversary of the day she was taken two years ago was Sept. 12th, the day before Billy's birthday and it was not a good day for me. To this day I cannot look at pictures of her welcome home party or the announcement we sent out to all our friends and family. I think I have suffered post traumatic stress symptoms and still do. I hope no one has to go through what we went through. To be the kind of parents we are and to be put in the same category as an abuser had a deep long-lasting effect on me. I have even had mini panic attacks when I have been out with the kids, afraid something is going to happen to them and very aware that it seems people are watching my every move.

I chose to post this today because the show inspired me to. I also know that I have a lot of readers whom I have never met. I don't want you to think that from our children's beaming faces and our fun events that I post often about, that our journey has been a field of daisies. Far from it. I am thankful that the Lord brought me through this and cleared my name, so that I can go on to parent. But I will never forget that time in my life. And I hope that I can use my experience to have a greater compassion for people and the choices and regrets they have in their life. I also hold my kids a little tighter knowing that your life can change forever in an instant, no one is immune to tragedy.

Happy Homecoming Day, Isaac!!

Scroll Down for Isaac's Adoption Story

This was the first day Isaac came home.

As you can see from the picture he did not smile for about 3 days.

February 6th is the day that we celebrate every year, the day that Isaac came home. Some adoptive families call it "Gotcha Day". We just call it his homecoming, because Vivi's Gotcha day happened 2 days after her birth- so we won't be celebrating hers every year. For Vivi we will be celebrating the day her adoption was finalized (Sept. 21st)

Confusing, I know but we can keep up with it! This is the first smile we got out of him. He had a severe diaper rash for about a week, so we gave him oatmeal soaks every night. We chose not to put him in the big tub because it made him shake and cry with fear (not sure he got many baths in his previous foster home)

We soon found out how much he loved water, in small doses!

And it didn't take long for the smiles to become a normal part of his day! We soon chose to name him Isaac, which means "laughter".
Tonight we are going to Peter Piper Pizza and will enjoy our traditional cookie cake that says, "Forever Family". I will post those pics tomorrow.

Here is Isaac's Adoption Story in full!

We began to try to get pregnant in the spring of 2004. After several months, despite what the "books" said about it taking awhile for some people- I began to fear that it was not going to happen for us. We went to our first Dr. to see what could be done. For the rest of that year we did tests, took ovulation predictor kits, you name it! By 2005 we had no answers and no baby. At this time we chose to see a reproductive endocronoligist- fancy name for fertility doctor. I had more tests done, and a procedure to see if my tubes were blocked. Nope! During the summer of 2005 after a year of medical intervention and having to give myself hormone injections, in my stomach of all places- we decided to have an insemination procedure done. That was the hardest thing I've put my body and emotions through. When our agonizing 2 weeks of waiting and blood tests ended with no pregnancy- we said "Enough!" During this time I was in a support group for women struggling with infertility and was doing a Bible study on the subject. This was truly God-sent! The Lord said to our hearts it was time to stop the roller coaster we had been on. I felt strongly that I would one day be a mom, and I did not need that baby coming out of my body for that to happen. It just seemed easier to get pregnant then to have to go through the work, expense, and heartache of an adoption, but look at all the work, expense and heartache I had to go through to conceive! Not worth it for us.

So through a chain of events, God pressed it upon our hearts to pursue an adoption through the foster care system. Through our training we made the decision to be foster parents for as long as we needed to to bring our forever child home. We began the process in August and at the end of November welcomed our first foster daughter home! She was a toddler, 8 months older than we had specified we wanted to take. It was a trying time with her having up to 12 tantrums a day! So when she left in January we said "no more toddlers!" On the morning of February 2nd, I was getting ready and I turned to Billy and said "Honey, if they call us about a toddler but it happens to be a boy who is African American, should we say yes?" We had always wanted our first child to be a boy and from the time we started fostering, we had a strong sense that our children would be African American. So Billy said "of course you say yes!" At about 2:00 that very afternoon we got the call for a 15 month old African American boy with some "special developmental needs". We jumped with joy! We had to wait until Monday the 6th for him to have a Dr.'s appt. and to come to us. So that afternoon CPS showed up with this skinny, stinky, scared, little boy. And when she left an hour later and I sat there holding him as he shook and cried I wondered what on earth I had gotten ourselves into! Moments later I fixed him a bottle and took him into our beautifully decorated nursery and rocked him and I cried and cried while he sucked that bottle dry. I cried for us and the fear I had about his developmental needs, and I cried for him and where he had come from and that I had not been there to protect him for the first 15 months of life. I cried to God for the roller coaster we had been on and why it had been so hard for us to become a family. And in that hour before Billy came home from work, I bonded with that little brown skinned boy, who looked nothing like me! He became my long-awaited son and I became his desperately needed Mommy. For days he would only go to me, if anyone looked at him or touched him, tears would stream down his face. For weeks he couldn't handle new people. It was a difficult adjustment. But somehow slowly our little boy was born. He started with a smile and a little giggle and turned into the joy-filled child we now know and love. A month after coming home we had ECI come out to evaluate his special needs. He cleared all his tests and they determined that he would no longer need their interventions. That was a joyous day!! We also welcomed a newborn boy at around this time who stayed with us for just a month. We waited anxiously for Isaac's parental rights to be terminated so we could adopt him and that day came in August. By December, 10 months after he came home, we stood in court surrounded by family and friends and gave him our last name, making him our son forever. He has amazed us ever since. He is resilient, a survivor. I am so proud of him. The ways he has lit up our life is endless. He is our precious gift from the Lord, brought to our doorstep in a chocolate brown package!

We love, love this child- his compassion for others, his sense of humor, his need for fun and his love for music are the things we cherish in him.

We thank God for making us a forever family.

Vivianna's Adoption Story Cont...

If you have not read the first part to this story scroll down. Here is Part 2:


On March 3, 2007- we drove to Waco for our adoption agency's training day. 8 long hours later, we sat in our agency office with the director awaiting the birthmother and family to arrive. Within minutes of them arriving we were in tears and excited laughter as we showed her our book and she showed us sonogram pictures. We talked for a couple of hours and she told us she wanted us to be in the delivery room and for us to be the ones to name the baby. We told her that we had chosen Vivianna Hope and she and her family cheered in excitement saying how much they loved the name. We all hugged and cried, and then we loaded up and drove back home. We anxiously awaited the weekend hoping she would go into labor. We had one false alarm on Wed night when they called to tell us she was back in the hospital. So we packed up and drove to Waco, finding out halfway there that they had sent her home. :( She did say we could come to her dr's appt. on Friday, so again we came back to Waco just 2 days later! There we were thrilled to hear the baby's heartbeat and the dr. set an induction date for Wed. March 14th. That morning, we drove to the hospital and arrived at 7a.m. We spent the next several hours chatting and watching reruns on the t.v. while she progressed. At around 11, we went down to eat lunch (Billy ate nothing...Daddy nerves!) Soon after we came back, the birthmother was very uncomfortable so I had the nurses come in and check her and she looked ready to go as soon as her water broke! Minutes later her water had broken and the nurses began to prep the room! Yeah!! The Dr. came in and just a few short pushes later at 12:07 p.m. on March 14, 2007, our daughter entered the world! They said, "dad, you got to cut the cord....Dad?" And Billy just sat there as we all said "Billy, that's you!!" He must have been in shock! But he jumped to it and did his fatherly duty. They cleaned Vivi up and did her prints and then her birthmother said, "her mom should be the first one to hold her." So they gave her to me and I sat in the rocking chair and sobbed over how beautiful and perfect she was. And the fact that this was my child overwhelmed me with so much gratitude for our God, who had comforted me through years of infertility and a year of foster care uncertainty to bring me to this moment where new life was given to me. It felt so much like the gospel, I didn't earn or deserve this amazing gift but God loves me so much that He gave it. And it gave me a deep love and appreciation for Vivi's birthmother who was strong and courageous enough to give this baby life and to hand pick the family that would raise her.

Our little precious one was the answer to our prayers for God to bring us a brand new baby to love and cuddle and raise into adulthood if He so desires. It felt so surreal!

We spent the next two days going back and forth from our hotel to the hospital spending much time feeding and loving on our new baby girl. We also spent hours everyday visiting her birth family. On Friday we arrived early to dress her in her going home outfit and have her hospital pics taken in the room with her birth family. She then spent the next 5 hours alone with them. Our agency had given us a great quote, they said that you have to say hello before you can say goodbye, so we knew how important it was for Vivi's birthmother to have lots of time to hold her and feed her and smell her sweetness. This would be precious memories for her to hold onto. Around 2:00, we waited in the lobby watching Roseanne reruns while our adoption agency presented the birthmother her papers. When those were signed, we went into her room and said our tearful goodbyes and took pictures of her holding Vivi and of us all together. We were then released to take our precious pink bundle of joy home!

So we spent the next 6 months loving on her and watching her grow too fast! On September 21, 2007, we went to court in Dallas to finalize the adoption. Her birthfamily came to court which was a very beautiful gesture. We gave her birthmother a necklace of a silver mary jane shoe with Vivianna inscribed on the bottom. I also gave her some onesies Vivi had worn as a newborn. Then we had a big party to celebrate that night.

Vivi's adoption changed us in many ways. She was the baby I had always dreamed about and longed for. She was our "newborn" experience, and exhausting as it was, it was much more rewarding then I thought it could be. She is so sweet and fun and adorable. We can't believe she is almost one years old! Oh where has the time gone?

Stay tuned for Isaac's Adoption story in a week!

Vivianna's Adoption Story

I thought I would do a couple of posts on our kids' adoption stories. I have several blog buddies that are in the process of adopting or thinking about adopting that are like me and love reading other's adoption stories...so I thought I would indulge ya'll with ours! I am going to do Vivi's first because a year ago this month we were put on the list of waiting families at our adoption agency, Generations Adoptions in Waco, TX. This will probably take 2 posts, so have patience with me as I get through it. Then on February 6th, I will post on Isaac's adoption story because that is the day he came home to us and the date we celebrate every year.

So here goes with our sweet baby girl...

We have always wanted our children to be less than 3 years apart, so two days after we finalized 2 year old Isaac's adoption in court in December 2006- we drove to Waco for a Christian adoption agency's orientation. This was with the director and another couple. She told us about their agency and about how domestic adoption works. She then gave us our formal application packet and sent us on our way to fill it out and get it back to them in our own timing. Thankfully because we had just done Isaac's adoption, all of our paperwork was in one place and just needed to be copied and added to our packet. We filled out our applications and wrote our paragraphs of why we wanted to adopt and sent it sometime in early January 2007. Then I made our family scrapbook on Shutterfly that showed pics of our house, our family, fun things we had done over the years, etc. The best news was that we did not need another homestudy to be completed because our foster care agency had one on record that was less than 6 months old (the time frame for home studies to be updated). SO that sped up our process a bit and got us on the waiting list by the end of January. But we had to wait until March 3rd to go to our agency training day. So February rolls around and we get an email from our director stating that they had a birthmother come in due in early March with a multi-racial baby girl. Would it be okay if she showed her our profile? We were overjoyed and said yes, we could not believe it was so soon!! So after 2 weeks of agonizing waiting, on March 2nd, the day before our training, we got a call that this birthmother chose us to place the baby with! We were in shock. But the biggest shock came when she told us that she had been admitted into the hospital with high blood pressure and might deliver that night, and wanted us at the birth!! Billy called to make arrangements at a hotel and began to get our car seat ready and diaper bag packed while I raced to Carter's to buy a "going home" outfit! With shock and excitement we phoned our family and friends to tell them that we would be welcoming a girl into our family!

Well, we soon got a call that she had not gone into labor and was sent home. The next day our director set up a time for us to meet the birthmother after our training. Needless to say, I didn't sleep much that night!!

Stay tuned for the conclusion in a coming post....

I should get a t-shirt that says...

"Make the neighbors wonder...consider transracial adoption"

http://www.cafepress.com

Plan A

"Not The Mama"


Okay, how much am I loving that Isaac is back in preschool!! More time to blog! :) SO after my comical post from yesterday, I wanted to post on a little more serious topic. It is a common thing amongst adoptive moms to hear from others that "as soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant!" Or "I'm still praying for you to get pregnant." This is something I hear every few months or so. This brings me to wonder if people see adoption as Plan B. I can tell you, we don't! We believe very strongly that this was always God's plan for us to become a family. There was never a chance we would have given birth to our first child (or second) no matter how much we tried or prayed or what dr. we went to. Wasn't going to happen. Why? Because that was not God's plan. Why does it make us sad to hear that others want us to be pregnant or worse think we still want to be pregnant? Because it takes something away from the children we have. As though they aren't truly our "own", as though the ultimate experience a woman can have is to get pregnant and give birth. I disagree. I think motherhood is a calling not a right. And however your children come to you is the best its gets. I remember like it was yesterday watching my baby girl being born and holding her. And knowing in that moment that life just doesn't get better than this. Here is my precious baby girl, the child of my heart that I had dreamed about. Here she is in real life. She is not a consolation prize. We didn't settle. We hoped, we prayed, we dreamed,we planned, we chose, and we were chosen and it came to be.

And guess what! We want to do it all over again in a few years. We want to pray for where our child might be. We want to go get them and we want to bring them home, where they were destined to be. I am not saying that pregnancy is not a blessing, or wouldn't be in our life. But it is not a hope we have, now or ever. Children are precious no matter how they come into your family. We delight over the fact that our babies have beautiful deep brown eyes, tanned skin, adorable noses. They would not have gotten that with our DNA mix! For months Vivi was covered in a fine down of black hair all over and we laughed over that hair and kissed it, our little furry baby...wondering if it would eventually go away. And Isaac has very dry skin and we lotion that skin and grease him up every morning and every night. And I delight in his soft brown skin and scratchy black hair, in his contagious laughter. I delight in these babies every single day. I am so grateful that they are mine. I feel blessed at how they came to be mine. This is as good as it gets, this side of Heaven. So to those of you who are kind enough to pray for us, and we know you have the best of intentions for our family...please pray that God would help us financially so we can afford to adopt more children. They are our heart and our future.